TO: All Departments
FROM: Director of Human Resources
ATTN: StateOG Employees
It has come to my attention that Scan Probe D-679a has picked up traces of a Dilbert calendar in the NorthEast quadrant of the Minos Memorial Cubicle Maze. As you should remember from the electrical feedback inculcation of procedures you underwent during orientation, Corporate Directive 437-61c expressly forbids any trace of Dilbert literature or paraphernalia within the complex. This is not due to any detriment the distribution of Dilbert comics may have on company morale or confidence in management, but to the fact that the comic is not anywhere near anything related to funny.
Seriously. The manager is stupid. Alice is a ball-busting bitch. Wally is ugly and lazy. Accounting is run by demons(well that's just coincidence, and we beat Satan in that game of UT fair and square. "Wah Wah! No Redeemer!" That's the kinda thing you stipulate before the match, pussy.). Dogbert is cynical. Ratbert is some kinda rodent. Yeah! We fucking get it! You know what? I'm not saying that Dilbert was never funny. I'm just saying these jokes were funny the first time I read them in 1992. You should be doing more useful things with your monthly alottment than to further reward Scott Adams for phoning it in the past 12 years.
Oh! I almost forgot Catbert The Evil Director of HR! Boy I sure love having that shit shoved in my face. "Haha! Get it? That's you!" I'm evil? Yeah, OK. I'm a little evil, but you know what made me evil? Try having to supress what little morals I was born with to hire you bunch of sickos. You should swing by sometime and have a look at these background checks. Like Bob Nichols. The monster's a fugitive in Nort Dakota for fucking possums. Yeah, that Bob Nichols. The squirrelly motherfucker over in R&D. Disturbed freak sits in a lab synthesizing bat pheromones for the good of mankind, and then he goes to the can with the latest issue of Marsupials Monthly for a spank session. Just the fact that you people are still at large is enough to make me go home every night and snuggle up with a handle of Weller and my .38.
But I digress. Due to the uptick in Dilbert contraband seized over the last quarter, we are forced to reinstate Security Level 5 for the remaining fiscal year. The complete list of requirements and procedures for Security Level 5 can be located on the company intranet at [ //stalinaintgotshitonus ], but here are a few important points I feel I should stress.
- Loose clothing should be worn in order to ease the check-in process and reduce wait times for your co-workers. Garment securing devices such as buttons, belts, and shoelaces should be avoided. This has nothing to do with our recent acquirement of the patent for Velcro.
- Lax hygeine regimens will NOT get you through security faster.
- No. We will not kiss you on the neck when we do that.
- When advised to take a deep breath, it is strongly suggested that you do so.
- "Place your hands on the wall and spread your legs." is not pillow talk.
- The one with the big hands does NOT have a thing for you.
- Yes. All of these points are thinly veiled allusions to the thorough anal cavity searches you will receive.
- Yes. Some of these points are thinly veiled allusions to your latent homosexuality.
Human Resources thanks you for your forced cooperation in this matter.
Have a good day, and get back to work.
Director of Human Resources.
State Og Pet Killing Spray
It is a terrible curse on the human race that humans like to take the easiest way out of situations, often resulting only in more headaches later on when the problem resurfaces since it was not properly dealt with the first time. This philosophy is what had led us to develop our State Og Pet Killing Spray.
When most pet owner’s beasts become afflicted with fleas or ticks, most of them choose to purchase sprays or shampoos directed toward removing the ticks or fleas. While these products may work very well, it still leaves a problem: Your animal can still go outside and bring more of those terrifying creatures back with it! So now you are stuck between keeping your animal inside and exposing yourself to those terrible pet odors and carpet stains, or constantly paying more money for more pest control products.
Well enough is enough. Once a pet has brought fleas into your house several times(Our research shows that 3 is the magic number), then it is time for the animal to go. State Og Pet Killing Spray is the perfect solution. Our pet killing spray is designed not only to kill the animal, but also any parasites it may have feeding on it. The death is quick and noiseless, allowing you to get back to your life quickly. Just be sure to move the animal outside or into your hated neighbors pool soon after death, as the carcass will explode in a beautiful greenish/reddish flame about an hour after application.
Kick The Habit!
We at State Og have become acutely aware of the societal problem of addiction. Modern man is, unfortunately, very susceptible to any number of addicting substances, habits, and assorted vices. Be it caffeine or sex, heroin or incest pornography, your addictions and compulsions can easily take control of your life, turning you from a productive member of society into a depraved shell of a person.
Or rather, that's how it used to be. Scientists at State Og have boldly ventured forth into the ethereal plane, braved the wrath of the spirits that stand guard over it, and brought back the final solution to any and all of your annoying addictions. We proudly present to you the CRAVE-KICK 2K5. Developed using clues and secrets garnered from the blasphemous whispers of the dead, the CRAVE-KICK 2K5 represents the absolute finest in soul-tapping technology.
Realizing that the purest form of energy in the universe is the human life-force, State Og researchers came to the conclusion that there could be no greater high than to suck some of it down for your own enjoyment. Using the palm-sized CRAVE-KICK 2K5, you will be able to lap up your neighbor's essence from a safe and unobserved distance, ensuring your theft of his precious soul will be your little secret. Once you've tasted the sweet, sweet ambrosia that is the human spirit, all other cravings will pale in comparison, making it that much easier to rid yourself of them.
No longer will you pray for cigarettes and young boys to satisfy your urges; you'll be so busy sucking down raw life-energy that you won't even remember your former addictions. Your breath will stop smelling of nicotine and coffee. Your skin will take on the healthy pale sheen of grubs and corpses. Your eyes will blaze merrily with unholy light.
Quit your petty mortal job - it just takes up time you could be drinking souls! You won't need money to buy food anymore as it is; the CRAVE-KICK 2K5 will provide you with all you will ever need. Tap into the essence of the fair-looking men or women you have lusted after for so long! Watch as they turn their heads quizzically, straining as if to hear some distant sound, all the while completely oblivious to the fact that you now have a dark knowledge of them that mere human sex would've never given you. Stand outside the local abortion clinic and reap the spirits of the doomed fetuses that women carry inside them since they won't be needing them anyway. Stagger backward and scream at the Godless sky as the fresh, untainted energy of the unborn blasts into your mind, burning away all memory of your previous life! Tear at the faces of those you meet in the street, their ugly ugly faces, tear them, tear them as you drink their life and grow in power and obliterate their faces so they will never look upon you with fear and revulsion again! Ever! TEAR THEM! TEAR THE MEAT BAGS!
Please note - in some cases, addiction to spiritual energy may result, characterized by some or all of the following symptoms: pale skin, sunken eyes and cheeks, receding gum line, aversion to religious symbols, aversion or allergy to so-called "holy ground", increased sensitivity to messages from other planes of existence, and mild gastro-intestinal cramping. If addiction results, cease use of CRAVE-KICK 2K5 and seek out a qualified State Og Medical Technician immediately.
State Og: bringing you only the finest in modern innovation.- State Og Representative
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to eliminate the plague that is humanity.)
Even the most fervent gun control advocate would admit that guns kill people, not other guns. We must become the guns we wish to see in the world.
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
State Og... what is it? Who knows! Where do they operate? No clue! All we know is they're fairly evil, and nobody dares question the might of State Og!