November 20, 2012
idk thinkin bout quittin my job at the hole drilling Factory. its just so.... BOring
- [o_o] (@limbsoup) November 20, 2012
cool thing to do as a kid: fiddle around with your nipples in front of the bathroom mirror until your mom screams at you
- deg (@degg) November 20, 2012
Getting lots of dirty looks in the locker room. So I have luxurious pubic hair and a muscular clit. GET OVER IT
- Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) November 20, 2012
Tons of vultures have been circling my ass and genitals today.
- Spirit Ghost (@haha_what) November 19, 2012
"Toto, we're not in Kansas anymore" Dorothy says upon realizing she now has easy access to birth control and reproductive medicine
- MattyTalks (@mattytalks) November 18, 2012
"Yo, brain TV was mad scary last night" - Vin Diesel talking about a nightmare #VinDieselSunday
- Brendan O'Hare (@brendohare) November 18, 2012
just tell us who pooped in the time capsule and everyone can go home
- stefan (@boring_as_heck) November 18, 2012
I like when there's a dog at a party so my social anxiety doesn't run down my phone's battery.
- Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) November 18, 2012
"MuseumMan, Iunno how u stop crime by gently suggesting murderers make a small donation but thank god u do" said Police Chief
- DVS(@DVSblast) November 18, 2012
If you put 2 shoes, 2 gloves and 1 hat on the blades of your ceiling fan then turn it on, it looks like a guy's breakdancing on the ceiling.
- It's Rowlf, Bitch (@iRowlf) November 18, 2012
Did you know that if you call Domino's four times in three weeks, it automatically forwards to a suicide hotline???
- Megan Amram (@meganamram) November 18, 2012
Did you guys know the "P.T." in PT Cruiser stands for "Pussymaster Trent" and it's named after my dad?
- Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) November 18, 2012
The 1-2 minutes you allow your microwaved meal for one to stand is a great time to reflect upon all the decisions that led up to that point.
- Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) November 17, 2012
my dad is researching a really difficult song to play on violin so he can humiliate the 97yo man who plays violin at this Italian restaurant
- g±UUTU ¢±B (@meowshley) November 17, 2012
Lesson from last night: If you're gonna talk to a girl with a neck tattoo in a bar don't open by pointing at it and going "bold move!"
- karl hess (@karlhess) November 17, 2012
was teachin how 2 dougie pre-takeoff when a generic bottle w/ DICK CREAM sharpied on flew out of a cargo pocket. awkward HotAir balloon ride
- GENERAL GANDHI (@Bro_Pair) November 17, 2012
I set up old turntables covered with maple syrup in a dumpster if you guys want to come see a raccoon DJ battle.
- Ceej (@ceejoyner) November 17, 2012
lol imagine getting dumped at a bowling alley but u Already paid to bowl a whole game so u stayed & finished playing alone
- Lindsey(@Lindzeta) November 17, 2012
WHOA. Wait. So YOU'RE singing it as "Hold me closer, TONY DANZA?" Incredible. How do you prepare yourself for the mudslide of ladies?
- Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) November 16, 2012
im a consumate BlogPro an Analytics guru. love marketing trends and synergizing consumer demand *leans in close to u* ..and I eat ass
- Jerry Beans (@dogboner) November 16, 2012
Hello is this HP? I'd like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.
- sreegs (@ahuj9) November 16, 2012
Just saw “now hiring - inquire within” on a mall kiosk. I guess you crawl down in the cupboards or something.
- David Thorpe (@Arr) November 16, 2012
Every time I like a guy, but he likes someone else an angel gets its wings (because I kill the bitch.)
- Tricia(@Im_Tricia) November 15, 2012
hello muddah hello faddah i am here at speech therapy
- tim m (@sensitivetim) November 15, 2012
If someone breaks up w/you & you're heartbroken it just means the person you love the most wants nothing to do with you. Don't over think it
- AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) November 15, 2012
I can't wait until it's cold so I can have sex without getting sweaty.
- Sam Varela (@SamMVarela) November 14, 2012
Going to see Lincoln. I better get myself in the mindset of someone who wants to see Lincoln.
- Louis Peitzman (@LouisPeitzman) November 14, 2012
Do you think that dude from Bon Iver has seen the Gangnam Style video yet, or do they not get Internet in the friggin' woods or whatever?
- Jake Fogelnest (@jakefogelnest) November 14, 2012
The coolest thing about hitting rock bottom is all of us on Twitter are in it together.
- Bill Mc7 (@BillMc7) November 14, 2012
I'm not crying there's just something in my eye! *removes traumatic childhood from eye*
- jon(@senderblock23) November 14, 2012
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