This was how Mr. Sulu got fired.
If I was born 100 years ago I would’ve been thrown into a well at birth or used as cannon fodder in one of those big wars they were so fond of back then. I called into work today because I woke up feeling like a retarded turtle. Then I tried calling into the Something Awful headquarters to tell Lowtax that I was too sick to write, but he wouldn’t let me have a day off. He was like, “You asshole!”, then docked my pay and penned me in for a double shift on Christmas. I think it’s time to try to start another writer’s union. The last attempt ended badly when there was a snitch in our ranks and Lowtax sent some thugs to break Zack Parsons' legs. This time it will be different. We will catch him by complete surprise and then have a strike and beat up the scabs (Fragmaster). Oh crap, I hope he doesn’t read this.
Today I went to one of the Detroit Metropark to take pictures of the gnome for the update, and I was attacked by a cantankerous goose. I had to flee for my life and leave my gnome behind. I'll probably go again tomorrow with a loaded .38 revolver to retrieve it. If I don't come back, I leave everything to the Kingdom of Greenland and Bruce Springsteen.
Livestock ate my banana cream pie. Case closed.
I've always been a big fan of Fragmaster and his Fireman comics was the first thing I started reading on this site. When I attended Gooncon2K5, he was the first person I saw there. I randomly spotted him in the crowded Vegas streets and involuntarily shouted "Fragmaster!". I couldn't believe he was a real person since he was such a caricature in my mind. Immediately a look of panic crossed his face and I could tell he was thinking about fleeing. Thankfully Livestock was close behind and reassured the frightened Frags that I meant no harm. Later on when he asked who I was I told him that I was Greasnin, so I think he still has us confused.
I am dedicating this update to the good people of GBS in the Something Awful forums. May the power of the manbabies be with you good sirs, and may the spirit of Bigpeeler be in your heart always.
A special thanks to Johnny "Doc Evil" Titanium for this Star Trek image.
The treacherous New England Patriots are guilty of deflating their footballs. We must punish them severely in the name of holy retribution. This transgression has been the biggest headline in the United States for an entire week, and it should be the primary concern of all nations.
We have used extensive market research to determine the average consumers of America's favorite rolls of caramel-oozing choco cysts.
The Daily Dirt serves as a column for all Something Awful frontpage writers to write about, well, whatever they feel like putting into the Daily Dirt!