Get out while you can! Oh fuck it's too late.
Today's Update

This update is sort of a milestone for me. It marks the day when the number of updates I've written about TV went from "half" to "more than half", but more importantly, it marks the day that I went from "unlovable" to "totally unlovable." Anyway, big ups to forum goon dustgun who hooked me up with screencaps on the quick. (I stole that entire sentence from the liner notes on a Jay-Z album will someone please tell me what it means.)

I wrote today's update because I watch a lot of Law & Order: SVU, although strangely that's the only series that really holds my attention. It's about one of the darkest, most fucked up shows on network television, which makes it pretty much perfect for this sort of thing. And by that I mean it's excellent fodder for a writer with a hard-on for cheap, obvious juxtaposition. Also I'm too lazy to create my own characters.

For the record, I threw in the 4th of July references because I like to alienate readers from other countries. You guys have no fucking idea how happy this holiday makes everyone over here. You'll never know this kind of joy and I bet it burns you up inside.

Hey Tonsils, Piss or Get Off the Pot!

My tonsils are swollen and painful every single day except for the days when I have time to go to the doctor. I'm asking you to send your heartfelt prayers to them, because it's about the only hope I have. The emphasis, of course, is on heartfelt prayers. Save your crocodile tears for the next high school massacre. If you don't sound like you care about my tonsils, you can't expect God to get off his ass for it. Okay I love you bye!

– Seth "Terrorsaurus" Knisley

More Daily Dirt

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.