Hello, and welcome to the first edition of Sunday Snort Report! I’m anchor Crok "Crok" Crok and I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing here. No, seriously, nobody told me what to write and I’m just filling up text like a fool. Oh god. Can’t I get a cue card or something? I mean, seriously, I’m running out of space here, and I’m not sure I ca
CROK "CROK" CROK: LIVE AT THE SCENE .
I’ve reviewed it with Kevin "The Goblin" Wilson, and he told me to 'just do some news or some crap, I dunno'. So- Today in the news: Man kills a small village (population: 32) in the war against hunger- considered his victims "too delicious to live". A trout named Augustine Perot discovers the equation behind true love, but is unable to share his findings due to being just a trout, and therefore unable to speak English. Scientists prove that bears are naturally capable of handstands. Scientists also prove that ice cream is scientifically delicious. Charles M. Schultz discovered not to be dead- claims it was ‘a big misunderstanding’. Professional cartographers discover that Luxembourg is, in fact, real, and not just an in-joke among map-makers everywhere. Man in Argentina counts to 10 without hesitation or accident. Public polling has deemed "pain" less popular than "happiness" and is unlikely to win the election.
And now, with that out of the way (thank Christ), it’s over to you, Kevin "The Goblin" Wilson, with the whatever it is you do so well!
This is "TheGoblin" as the weatherman and I'm so sorry for everything. We lost our funding and our old sports anchor, Chip M. Hardchunk got fired. So now I'm supposed to do the weather and the sports. God I wish I knew something about weather, too. Okay, here's the weather. Um. The orange color means something is hot, which is not good. So try to stay away from that. Over in California it's not only colder but this white golfer champion hooked up with a girl who liked him, which is pretty cool I guess. A quarterback in football threw a world record pass to the sun, but we have yet to figure out if it was stopped by a dinosaur who tried to assassinate him with eye lasers. A hillbilly from North Carolina plays hockey with his pitchfork, and I guess this means either New Mexico will be hot too or it's holding up Oklahoma. I can't tell. Okay, that's all from us and we hope to see you next time!
Have a good sunday!
2 PM: Steven J. accidentally drops his vintage Trapper Keeper, revealing erotic drawings of the ‘bunny girls’ emoji. The room draws silent. Slowly, member after member opens his/her notebooks and tablets, revealing dozens of pages of bunny girl emoji fanart. The room votes 12-0 never to speak of this again.
He was ripped off for True Detective, now Thomas Ligotti is being asked to review Pizza Hut's new Hotdog Pizza Bites.
The Daily Dirt serves as a column for all Something Awful frontpage writers to write about, well, whatever they feel like putting into the Daily Dirt!