Front Page Gossip

ITEM: Word around the block is that Kevin "The Goblin" Wilson isn't really a goblin after all. He was hired under the pretence that he would help this website mine precious metals in the earth's crust, but has failed to do so. It turns out that he is only a mere kobold (1 hit die).

ITEM: David Thorpe was arrested last night for assaulting a sewing machine. I guess he was trying to learn how to sew his favorite band names into shirts, but was getting really frustrated with it. His bail is set at one million dollars.

ITEM: This Hot Pocket is disgusting!

ITEM: Seth "Terrorsaurus" Knisley has just been fired. Apparently all the hate mail and low ratings couldn't be ignored any longer by the management. The Sunday slump continues here on SA, but there is a rumor going around that the soon to be canceled Fox show, Arrested Development might be picked up for the time slot. We'll keep you posted.

Today's Update

Have schools gone back to normal since all the shootings in the last 10 years? I really want to know since I'm old and have no clue on what's up in the "hizzy". That's slang for "house" right? See, I'm still hip. I know they were bringing a lot of youth counselors into every school to try to break the cycle of kids getting picked on. I'm sure that had an effect on the kids for a few days and then they went back to the same old routine.

Sometimes when I think of school years I cry inside. Then I give myself a swirlie for being such a fag.

Chatlogs Are For Children

I don't talk to people online. I probably log on a instant messenger for 5 minutes a week to threaten somebody and then close it. I bought a new computer a few months ago and have yet to install AIM on it, but I'm getting around to it. This log was from back in 2003 before I was such a grouchy old man, and I have no idea why I saved it but I wanted to post it before purging the log forever into the uncaring darkness.

frolixoSEI: my next update is going to be about shopping for shoes, how does that grab you by the nose? I thought of that tonight while drinking beer at Applebees.
SA Ass Lowtax: Did you get the fajitas or that strip steak? I always get the strip steak at Applebee's. Why? MYSTERY!
frolixoSEI: I got the chicken finger basket. fajitas are way to complicated for my simple brain.
frolixoSEI: strip steak is cool once and a while
SA Ass Lowtax: oh I don't like those
frolixoSEI: Fool! the chicken finger basket is the most basic and wonderful meal man has ever created.
SA Ass Lowtax: Chicken finger baskets are for CAVEMEN!!!
frolixoSEI: don't be like that lowtax
SA Ass Lowtax: Cliffy is getting a lot of hate mail.
frolixoSEI: post them in fyad
SA Ass Lowtax: Too late, I deleted them
frolixoSEI: there will be more
frolixoSEI: share
SA Ass Lowtax: I DELETED THEM YOU COCKSUCKER!!!!!!
frolixoSEI: stop deleting them, they are gems of stupidity
SA Ass Lowtax: you are in no position to give me orders!!!
frolixoSEI: oh shit
frolixoSEI: sorry webmaster
frolixoSEI: your warning level is 20%
SA Ass Lowtax: YES!!!!!!

– Reid "Frolixo" Paskiewicz

More Daily Dirt

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.