Dr. Thorpenstein: This one definitely stays true to its title. It's called The Thing, and there's totally a Thing featured prominently throughout.

Zackula: I know, when it started I was a little disappointed to see a person and a place. I was thinking, "Where is the goddamn Thing?" But JC really delivered. And by JC I mean Jesus Christ.

Zackula: And by delivered I mean delivered us from sin.

Dr. Thorpenstein: Despite all the awesome special effects and stuff, it's kind of the opposite of Puppetmaster: when I think back on The Thing, it's not the Thing I remember, but Kurt Russell.

Zackula: I feel the same way about King of the Hill and Bobby Hill, who is not the titular king of the hill, but rather a scion of the Hill.

Dr. Thorpenstein: Kurt Russell may not be a Thing, but he's the film's most impressive special effect.

Zackula: If you want to see great Kurt Russell effects check out Soldier. It's a remake of Universal Soldier set on the garbage planet from Transformers.

Dr. Thorpenstein: I'm also big into Breakdown, in which Kurt Russell faces off against the hostile garbage planet of J.T. Walsh.

Zackula: If you want to see a spin off you can check out Almost Famous which features the Kurt Russell franchise's bellybutton to the admittedly rickety Goldie Hawn franchise.

Dr. Thorpenstein: Help, I'm stuck on the garbage planet of that joke!

Zackula: Oof, yeah, I don't think I can Escape From That Joke either.

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About This Column

Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.

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