Zackula: Wow, great. What a trick. Now make it disappear.
Dr. Thorpenstein: It must be fun to go trick-or-treating around the neighborhood in a costume that makes you shuffle around like a potato sack race. Best-case scenario, you stand still and look like you're shitting in a big hat.
Zackula: Which you actually might be. No way are you making it to a bathroom in time if the urge hits.
Zackula: WARNING: NOT FOR CHILDREN WITH IBS
Dr. Thorpenstein: Or maybe it's the perfect costume for kids with IBS. If they're gonna be shitting all night, at least put them in something with a built-in septic tank.
Zackula: I think part of the problem with all of these costumes is that America doesn't have professional archetypes anymore. You used to dress up as firemen and hobos and gypsies. Now these costume websites have 100 different food item costumes and random stuff like this walking toilet.
Dr. Thorpenstein: It's better than having your kid walk around all night Shawshanking out nuggets of doo on your neighbor's porches through his pant leg.
Dr. Thorpenstein: I think it's another one of those low self-esteem costumes. For kids who aren't confident enough to be the magician, they can be the humiliated prop animal.
Zackula: Did you notice the available size is "one size fits most." It used to be one size fits all but America proved them wrong.
Zackula: "Oh yeah? Fits ALL? That's pretty bold. Let me introduce you to my cousin. No, you're going to have to come to him, he can't leave his bed."
Zackula: "And he really wants to dress up as the Green Man dude."
Dr. Thorpenstein: God, imagine the horrifying dimensions of a kid who couldn't squeeze his waistline into that huge hat brim.
Zackula: It's even better to imagine one who just barely can. Like the hat is all blown out and you can see his legs.
Dr. Thorpenstein: That probably describes about 65% of all kids in America. It's gonna be a great Halloween, man. I'm just going to sit on my porch watching all these little honey hams waddling around in their stretched-out tophat pants.
Zackula: "Yeah, okay Spider Man, let me see you jump."
Dr. Thorpenstein: Now that I'm a crotchety old man, there's something really appealing about the entire next generation dying of diabetes when I'm only like 50.
Evil Cooper and Chechen President Ramzan Kadyrov have both been on a rampage, but who did what?
"Your left eye," the optometrist casually explained while blasting my face with a blue laser at point blank range, "is farsighted and shaped like an eyeball. The other eye is nearsighted and shaped like a football. Not even a good football."
Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.