If you are like me, you will prefer the comfort and warmth of spending as much time as possible indoors. However, according to what I've seen in movies and TV, there is an exciting world outside of your front door. Sometimes there are events happening in public which are ten billions times more incredible than anything you could ever imagine. So for those who would rather sink into their soft leather chair and read about why the human race is pretty damn weird as opposed to going out and experiencing it for yourself, feel free to enjoy the follow tales of public strangeness courtesy of the SA forum goons.
I saw a man in Times Square wearing nothing but briefs, cowboy boots, and a cowboy hat, playing the guitar.
I once saw a homeless guy wearing a Santa hat and no pants stand on street corner and masturbate while shouting "Ho! Ho! Ho!"
While on vacation in France, I saw a street musician play an electric guitar with his tongue. It actually sounded pretty good.
On my first visit to the college I go to now, I saw about 20 people LARPing by the library. Most of them were dressed up like goths, as apparently they were playing Vampire. One guy was dressed up as a cowboy version of Neo. He was pretending to dodge bullets like he was in the Matrix. That is what made me decide to go to this college.
For reference, I live in New York City.
I have seen the following:
A man dressed up as a woman in a short denim miniskirt and tube top, complete with hair weave, fake nails, and porn star heels doing a back flip and kicking a guy in the chin in the process. The man dressed as a woman landed perfectly in a gymnast pose and then said, "Honey you fucked with the wrong bitch!".
A homeless woman take a shit on a rush hour train platform in the Village, then pull out a roll of toilet paper and wipe her butt. She then threw the toilet paper in the trash bin.
Wars between rival gangs in Chinatown. The best/worst moment was a bunch of high school Chinese guys sitting by the arcade and then their Nextel phones started chirping. Ten minutes later a brawl broke out.
A black man in nothing more than a blindingly white thong, white heels and a blonde wig washing his car in the West Village at noon on a Sunday. That was definitely bizarre, but it comes with the West Village.
We've got a local celebrity here in Austin named Leslie. Just your average homeless cross-dresser, who also happens to run for mayor from time to time (and gets a scary amount of votes, I might add).
Walking down a semi-crowded street to the Labor Day fireworks I saw a guy getting a blowjob on the sidewalk. It was absolutely the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen. This guy was talking shit to every single person that walked by.
"Hey man, what the fuck you lookin' at? I'm just pissin' man!"
"...In her mouth?"
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.