Zack:"...great support without boning." You're not kidding. There won't be any boning without an appointment at least a month in advance.

Dr. Thorpe:This is like looking at bacteria through a microscope. "B" just split off from "A" and is about to go subsume some smaller microbes through its slippery cell wall.

Zack:If they grew things like this in Petri dishes I think I'd be investing heavily in creationist-related mutual funds. Try to imagine a hot date where you get your hands under the girl's blouse and come across this. It's the Berlin fucking wall of foreplay.

Dr. Thorpe:I guess this is why people were so repressed in the fifties. Nothing to grab at but elaborate, impregnable undergarments.

Zack:Probably also why men always carried pocket knives back then. You never know when you'd have to go after a woman's support undergarments like dead deer.

Dr. Thorpe:Once these things are on, there's no getting them off. The skin just grows over them like a hobo's long johns.

Zack:Yeah, especially with that one on the right I can imagine a 10 pound bulge of displaced flesh in her armpits.

Dr. Thorpe:Speaking of repression, this is what kids had to deal with back then without the luxury of Victoria's Secret catalogues. They thought women looked like this under their clothes, so they grew up all serious and unloving and developed weird psychological complexes like "the work ethic."

Zack:Nowadays you can search for your own name in Google Images and come back with pictures of a woman giving a dog a blowjob. That way you're awakened to the realities of the world at a young age with facts about the logistics of bestiality and the dangers of inserting a flashlight into your penis. These things are obsolete anyway. These days it takes space age polymers and pneumatic presses to slim down what is considered a "full-figured" woman.

Dr. Thorpe:Bestiality was a problem back then, too. Catalogue pictures like this were why the Kinsey report found that 70% of men were inexplicably attracted to "big white lumpy porpoises."

Zack:Oh yeah, most adolescent males dreamt of headless support garments leaping from the frothy waves and chirping merrily only to awake to their liquid drenched shame.

Dr. Thorpe:It's a shame, really. Back then people wanted curves, but nowadays "full-figured" women usually either die of shame-based starvation or say "oh well" and turn into "obese women."

Zack:Not all of them. Some of them have strokes and end up on life support for over a decade and are then murdered in cold blood by activist judges. Goddamn judges prowling the streets at night. The world is no longer safe.

Dr. Thorpe:Gavel-bludgeoning are at an all-time high in liberal neighborhoods.

Zack:The streets are running red with their rulings.

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About This Column

Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.

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