I would like to place an order for item #TH396a, the Head Spa Massager, which is listed in your catalog at $49.95.
However, due to my limited financial means, I will only be paying $18.11 for this item. Enclosed is a check for this amount. This represents the entire available balance of my checking account; I am open to negotiation, but only toward a lower price.
It is essential that this item be delivered as soon as possible, preferably overnight or same-day. Since your company operates entirely from airplanes, I don't foresee this being a problem or requiring any additional payment.
I look forward to receiving the Head Spa Massager today or tomorrow. I need it because I have a very irritating coworker, Joshua Boruff, who causes me a lot of stress with his bad work, loud typing and poor character. He also, as of three days ago, has started refusing my requests for head massages, claiming that my head has become swollen and disgusting. I think you'll find that he is a bad friend and a lazy person.
I recently had the strong displeasure of proofreading a letter from my coworker, David Thorpe. While his letter was grammatically correct and free of spelling errors, it was grossly inaccurate with regards to my character.
I am formally requesting that you reject Mr. Thorpe's offer for item #TH396A. Not only is he offering you far too little, but his large, bulbous head would likely stretch and damage the device beyond repair. Thorpe's head is extremely irregular in shape, and years of overeating and drinking have left it swollen, ghastly and ready to burst like a rotting melon.
As the Head Spa Massager does look impressive, I would be hard-pressed not to make an offer myself. I have included a check for $24.35 which I believe is more than fair. I only ask that you do not cash it until after the 1st. If you feel my offer is too high, you could also throw in #77739A, the three replacement filters for the Ceramic Pet Fountain. I hope to buy one of those soon and will definitely need additional filters.
With great respect,
URGENT! PLEASE READ! It's come to my attention that a man named Joshua Boruff is attempting to victimize your company with lies and bad checks. I recently made a very fair offer of $18.11 for item #TH396A, the Head Spa Massager, an item which will fit very comfortably on my normally-sized head. From reading his outgoing email, I've learned that he's made a counteroffer of $24.35 for the same item.
There are three major problems with his offer:
- First, Joshua Boruff hasn't had that kind of money in a long time. I took control of his personal finances in 2006 when he ran into some money trouble, and since then he's been living on a very small fixed allowance (controlled by yours truly). In 2009, his total gross income was $21.53, so it would come as a great shock if his check didn't bounce, even after the 1st, when I pay him his monthly stipend.
- Second, there is no way the Head Spa Massager would fit on his unusually small head, which, when compared to my normal-sized head, seems approximately the size of an adult woman's fist. It would just hang uselessly on his tiny skull like a trash can on a trailer hitch. I'm sure you can imagine that such a slight phrenological profile leads to a lot of mental and financial problems for Mr. Boruff which are well beyond help from any personal massage equipment, not matter how high the quality.
- Lastly, his request for replacement filters for the Ceramic Pet Fountain is very bizarre, since he has no pets won't be in any position to support one for a long time. (if ever) My hypothesis is that he plans to use the filters to leach minerals and body plankton from his bathwater, and then cook and eat the filters. He is disgusting.
Please circulate this letter among the executive staff of SkyMall. It would be tragic if a company as reputable as yours were to be gulled by a fist-headed liar.
At your service always,
Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.
A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.
Expendable? You must be joking.
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