Zack: In today's Fashion SWAT we once again execute a search warrant on the fortress of the old and paisley. Retro Fashion is a vast treasure trove of fashion atrocities committed against entire unlucky generations. Today I would also like to welcome special guest "Lowtax" to Fashion SWAT.
Lowtax: I was both pleased and overjoyed when you asked me to work with you on today's Fashion SWAT, Zack. You know how much I enjoy and respect your disgustingly stupid liberal opinions, as well as your uncanny fashion sense.
Zack: Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule of masturbating to Michelle Malkin fanfic and counting your huge stacks of Internet money.
Zack: He is protected from brigands on the jungle gym.
Lowtax: He's so ashamed mom and dad made him dress in the Star Trek shirt that he attempted to hide it with his collection of tiny handcuffs from around the world.
Zack: I think those might be pop tabs. Imagine how many kidneys that vest could dialysize.
Lowtax: Those are too large to be pop tabs, imagine the size of those sodas! They are clearly tiny handcuffs. He was given them for one of his away missions. He is on the planet of the midget criminal.
Zack: I think that armor solves a problem that the armor created. That kid was probably just any other dopey hippie kid of the late 60s and then he had to add body armor. The armor protects him from maces and short swords bullies might wield, but really, they're only trying to hack him to pieces because he's wearing armor.
Lowtax: It's a self fulfilling prophecy. "On the next Dr. Phil: my child wears armor to protect him from the violent serf uprising." Dr. Phil needs to set those parents down and explain to them the midget criminal planet is just misunderstood.
Zack: Mrs. Steelwind, the bad news is your son was beaten to a pulp again on the playground. The good news is that your mithril vest protected him from orcs on his long journey home.
Lowtax: Your child will spawn in your neighbor's house with half his experience points.
Zack: He has to go back to the second grade until he can kill enough rabbits with his crossbow.
Lowtax: But what happens when he levels up enough and that shirt is inadequate armor to protect him?
Zack: He could spend all day collecting rocks near the front of the school and then take them to the dwarven forge in the shop class.
Lowtax: He doesn't outgrow clothing, he out-levels them.
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
It's just a little confusing, is all.
Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.