Zack: There is no way this woman isn't a gang leader in the post apocalyptic future. She may also be an android gang leader, making her twice as cruel and dangerous.
Lowtax: She was cloned from Tiffani-Amber Thiessen DNA and wed to a Yakuza boss.
Zack: Her jaw looks like a shovel and her hair no doubt contains myriad weapons of her trade. Monowires and laser katanas and whatnot.
Lowtax: Some cow appears to have been stapled randomly to her.
Zack: I think it's worse, it's a Dalmatian. She's like the Studio 54 version of Cruella DeVille.
Lowtax: That does make more sense, you never hear about cows in bleak, dystopian visions of the cyberpunk future. But then again, you don't really hear about Dalmatians either.
Zack: People have dogs though. Dogs will survive the dystopian future. Cows just aren't cool enough when you have shit to do like fight people in refineries or ride around on a motorcycle with a metal hockey mask on.
Lowtax: I keep waiting for Michael Douglas to appear behind her and demand she reveal which boss was responsible for the death of his partner, Andy Garcia.
Zack: Oh man, that movie was great. They should sell it in a two pack with that automotive factory comedy "Gung Ho" with Michael Keaton. It could be like the 1980s "Misconceptions of Japan" double pack.
Lowtax: It looks like in her haste to kill the dalmation cows, she recklessly abandoned her attempt to fashion her hair into an homage to the Statue of Liberty.
Zack: It's like a hair boat crashed into the back of her head and she didn't even notice.
Lowtax: She was too busy thinking about her communication device earrings which are also disguised as blackberries.
Zack: She's probably pretty good at translating Klingon for Captain Warhol of the USS Neuwave.
Lowtax: What's that white glowing thing next to her ear on the right? A tiny pickaxe?
Zack: It's a ghost! Call Art Bell!
Lowtax: It's the ghost of the Dalmatians! 101 Horrors!
Zack: They've come back to haunt her shoulder straps.
Lowtax: This is too scary, let's move to the next one.
Zack: Yeah, these ghosts cannot be busted by the likes of us.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.