Zack: The one on the left is all "oh no he jus di-int"
Lowtax: "I can't believe he's parking the van like that."
Zack: "Look at that guy's normal size pant legs. He is soooooo last spring."
Lowtax: If you cover up the left half of the picture, it looks like a clothing line sponsored by Chia.
Zack: That's actually not a bad idea. It would be awesome to grow some pants and a sweater. Of course it would probably be unsanitary and women would end up with vaginas that looked like terrariums.
Lowtax: Well that's certainly better than wrapping a throw rug around your legs and stealing the Tin Man's shoes, like Chia Chick's sassy counterpart.
Zack: She's totally wearing fat guy pants.
Lowtax: The Robocop line of footwear is all the rage this Summer!
Zack: Hey, if flashing lights in your heels can be a trend so can making KA-CHUNK KA-CHUNK sounds when you walk around.
Lowtax: She probably pays Chia Chick to make the sounds for her. She's a lackey, no doubt about it. Look at that subservient facial expression.
Zack: "Whatever you command, Necky."
Lowtax: "One of these days your arm isn't going to be there to catch your torso when it falls off, and I will be waiting to support you with my healthy, green limbs."
Zack: If you sort of unfocus your eyes and look past the image a picture of a fucking awesome bong will come out of the blue tunic.
Lowtax: What's going on with those bushes in the back? Is that the "angry swan on top of the world" type of bush trimming theme?
Zack: I think I saw those bushes in the background in Super Mario 3.
Lowtax: The thing I hated about Super Mario 3 was that everybody went crazy over the Tanooki Suit, but really, it was pretty worthless.
Zack: The thing I hated about Super Mario 3 were the living bullets because what sort of life can someone have if their only purpose is to be shot out of a cannon and fly in a straight line hoping the enemy doesn't jump over you. And if he does, what then? You glide endlessly through the air, trapped in an earthly hell where you began your life knowing you failed in your only purpose.
Lowtax: That and the fact that the bullets were resistant to gravity, as they showed absolutely no sign of losing either velocity or height from the ground. How far did they keep going? Did they eventually circle around the entire world and end up hitting the bullet-shooting machine?
Zack: Or was their velocity so great that they defied the curvature of the earth and disappeared into the void, alone and forgotten, hoping to be caught in the gravitational pull of a star or black hole so that their ageless journey might finally and mercifully end?
Zack: Fuck those bushes.
Lowtax: And the angry swans they rode in on.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.