A lot of people emailed me and said they really enjoyed my story "Ingmar the Frost King." I was pretty surprised, because I'm not like a writing expert or anything. Many of the people who emailed me said they wanted to read another Ingmar story. Unfortunately, I do not have any other Ingmar stories right now. I am working on an Ingmar-related project that I think some people will find pretty sweet, but I can't talk about that because it's a big secret. Keith is helping on that so I think our collaborative effort will make it much better than I could ever do by myself.
Like I said, I don't have any other Ingmar stories. Most of my other stories are pretty crappy, but I went through my old D&D binders and I found a pretty cool one. It is not nearly as good as my Ingmar story. I have to warn you guys in advance so you don't get your hopes up or anything. It's like an above-average story I would say, but it got me an "A" in my 8th grade English class.
The assignment our teacher gave us was to adapt a classic short story to the present day. I asked my teacher if it had to be present day or if I could use some other setting and she said that as long as I change the setting to something obviously different I could do that.
This story comes from the great works of Sir Edgar Allen Poe of England. Next to Robert E. Howard and R.A. Salvatore he is probably my favorite writer. It is based on his short story entitled "The Cask of Amontillado" and I have called it "The Floating Disk (Greater) of Tenser."
It is a pretty short story, but it is actually a little bit longer than the original because of the setting. I had to spend more time describing stuff since Sir Poe just assumed people would know what he was talking about. I hope you enjoy the story.
Fortunato was the crappiest wizard I ever met. His spells were very powerful, but with powerful spells is supposed to come powerful responsibility. Fortunato didn't care about that sort of thing. He just did whatever he wanted with his spells and he had a really crummy attitude about it. He would use spells that polluted the environment and he would use area of effect spells when he knew the blast radius would include me.
I endured all of Fortunato's wizard taunts about how I am just a simple barbarian and I am not useful to the party. After every battle Fortunato would point out that I was injured and had suffered a great loss of health and he was unscathed. When Fortuna decided to add insult to injury that dill-hole went too far. At that moment I swore revenge upon Fortunato and his wizardly arrogance. It was so arrogant I knew that I would be able to play upon that arrogance in getting my revenge.
The next time I saw Fortunato was at a tavern in Greyhawk City. He was using his cantrips to amuse and impress patrons of the tavern. He was in no need of coin after the treasure we had won from the dragon Darcholon.
"Hey what's up with you Fortunato?" I bellowed over the noise in the tavern.
"Ah look who it is," he sneered, "my good barbarian friend."
Fortunato said the word good like he meant bad. He pushed the meaty tavern wench up from his lap and her boobs jiggled around in her dress. She giggled and he waved her away dismissively.
"Beat it," he said to her.
She giggled some more and left. He is so arrogant.
"Why do you darken my face on this day Montressor?"
"Ah you are hailed and well met Fortunato. I have just come upon verily a device of infinite wonder that I believe may in fact be of the hallmark of Tenser the great wizard of old and in fact may be a greater version of this device."
"A greater floating disk of Tenser?!" Fortunato sputtered. "How is such a thing possible."
"I was just on my way to Otiluke's to ask them to have a look upon it and decide if it is the genuine article."
"Bah, the Otilukes are hedge wizards!" Fortunato rumbled and twirled his white beard about to and fro. "Though I might know a thing or two about the floating disks of Tenser's creation."
"As you say, 'tis true, for no wizard in all of Greyhawk has such as conspicuous eye as yours when it comes to the subject of floating disks. Perhaps, then, I beseech you to consider making the journey with me to where I have found this disk so that you can judge the worth."
"It is likely a counterfeit," he boasted spilling his wizard cocktail down the front of his robe. "Perhaps one of the gnome vessels or a simple duplicate made in the sandy wastes. I will accompany you."
"My friend I hate to impose upon you in your moments of celebration!"
"It is a burden," his beard coiled ominously, "but alack I bear it willingly to see this scandalous fraud unmasked."
"If you wish it," I bowed humbly, "then we must be off."
We journeyed to the mountains beyond the city and with difficulty began the slow climb up the gray rocks. Rocks fell and tumbled away under our feet. It was treacherous, but our dexterities proved worthy of the task and we made our way toward the summit.
At an expansive outcropping we paused to rejuvenate and restore our stamina. There I had deposited a lesser floating disk crafted by Mordenkainen. I uncovered it and it lifted up from the ground. Fortunato approached it and examined it.
"This is a fair floating disk," he said, "an amusing bauble for those who do not know one floating disk from the next."
"It is simply a Mordenkainen floating disk. Perhaps you would care to ride upon it, though I know it is beneath one such as yourself."
Fortunato ran gnarled fingers through his curly frip of beard.
"Hm," he considered, "yes, perhaps just a bit before we proceed."
He grunted and pulled himself onto the disk. It lifted about and sluggishly obeyed his instructions, moving about the outcropping where we had made our rest.
If you are 35 and you are not integrated into the Gigathrax then you are not ready to retire.
While designing this space, I imagined David Fincher being forced to recreate the music video for Nine Inch Nails' Closer in a haunted gas station bathroom.
My game is funded. Now I know everything.
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.