9. GB: Dick Rake, QB, University of Southern California
Green Bay may be on to something with their Dick Rake pick: he started the season as the worst QB in USC's history, with 0 completed passes, 9 yards rushing and an astonishing 92 sacks. However, his prospects quickly improved in the last three games of the season, when replacement coach Barry Robeson offered some career-making advice. "Nobody had actually taught the boy how to play football," says Robeson. "He was holding the ball by the tip and sort of winging it at other players, usually chosen at random. He was running the wrong way, casually asking members of the opposing team 'what's football and how do you play it,' stopping in the middle of the field to answer his cell phone... all those typical rookie mistakes. Soon as I told him basically what to do, the kid started acting like the best natural quarterback I've ever seen." Asked to explain how that accounts for his lack of yardage, Robeson explains "he had his shoes on the wrong feet. We're still working on that, but we're about 50% there."
10. SF: Level 8 Mimic Treasure Chest, QB, University of Hays
#7, Level 8 Mimic Treasure Chest (FILE PHOTO)San Fransisco has finally put an end to their Alex Smith / J.T. O'Sullivan mess by declaring Level 8 Mimic Treasure Chest to be their top pick. Level 8 was known throughout the conference as being, hands down, the most deceptive player to hit the field. "Nigga think he full of treasure," commented teammate Bruce Kennedy. "I says 'you try and grab them jewels,' nigga reach in and try to grab them jewels and L8 done bust their fucking hand off in his jaws. Nigga ain't full of no treasure, just teeth." Despite special training and notices both before and during games, U of H opponents found L8's jewels irresistable. "Coach told me he's not really a treasure chest, just somebody pretending to be one so he can bite my hand off," explained Chesterfield University's Brad Fullmount. "But man, have you seen those jewels? I figured coach was just trying to trick us so he could get the jewels himself after the game. Coach always wants the jewels. Man, the more I think about it, the more pissed off I get. I bet the coach ended up getting them jewels. Asshole."
11. BUF: Trazelle Lazko, DE, Ball State
Set to anchor an explosive pass rushing defense opposite of Aaron Schobel, Trazelle "Potential Energy" Lazko has garnered nothing but rave reviews from players and personnel alike. Head coach Stan Parrish recently held a press conference to show off a bar graph displaying the amount of potential energy Lazko contained. His bar was much longer (and a different color) than the average college player's bar. "As you can see on this chart [sic], Lazko has over 783% more potential energy than anybody he's ever played against. This energy can easily be converted to kinetic energy, giving professional teams the extra edge they need." When asked why he chose to bench Lazko for every game of every season, Parrish explained "it was at Lazko's request. Each day, he would come up to me and say 'Coach, I need to rest and build up my potential energy.' I agreed, because I've seen what this kid can do on field." A reporter then asked what he saw, and Parrish replied, "you know... stuff."
12. DEN: Eirikur Ingraamundur-Sigfusson, DT, Florida State
It's a win-win situation for Denver: if they decide to stick with the 4-3 (unlikely), Ingraamundur-Sigfusson will be able to stack the line and protect against the run. And if they switch over to the 3-4, Ingraamundur-Sigfusson can easily be shifted into a strong nose tackle position. But if they shift to the Tampa 2, that's when things could potentially fall apart, as this defensive formation causes Ingraamundur-Sigfusson to instantly transform into a feeble, confused 83-year old Hispanic woman known only as "Es Hormiga." "It's really inexplicable," remarked confused coach Bobby Bowden. "In the 3-4, he's a lumbering powerhouse of explosive skill sets and professional NFL-caliber tools. In the Tampa 2, he knits in a rocking chair while cooing otherworldly hymns. My hopes and prayers go out to the team who chooses him." Many NFL analysist believe Ingraamundur-Sigfusson's pick was at least partially influenced by his own marketing slogan, "hey, at least I'm not Nate Webster."
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
As the 19th century diver approaches a giant clam, a flash of brilliant golden light flares from within the shell. I emerge in a swirl of bubbles and do the timeless universal underwater hand signals for the following: ZODIAC KILLER, KKK, BLOOD OF YOUTH
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