In today's crazy workaday world pretty much every event possible, from an episode of Late Night with Conan O'Brien to the Olympics, has a drinking game associated with it. For some reason there are absolutely no drinking games for the upcoming presidential debates! Theoretically there could be, but man the Internet is a big place and I am way too tired to open Google and click on any of the 10,000 returns. Instead of doing time-consuming research I have decided to formulate a drinking game for you to use so that you can actually enjoy watching the debates.
Unfortunately, I have not been following politics very closely, so these are just my best guesses at what is going to happen that's worth throwing back a shot to. In the event that you don't drink alcohol you can just play along with hot cups of lard or your favorite distilled aphid milk beverage.
Take a sip if…
…John Kerry dribbles a basketball loudly during one of Bush's responses.
…John Kerry overturns his podium and tries to strangle one of the debate moderators.
…George W. Bush swallows his own tongue during a diabetic seizure.
…John Kerry calls a timeout to eat an entire huckleberry pie.
…George W. Bush recharges himself with a windup key.
…George W. Bush announces plans to build a giant robot to patrol the Mexican border.
…George W. Bush is attacked by a cheetah.
…John Kerry squirts blood out of his eyes to frighten away a predator.
Take three sips if…
…George W. Bush accidentally refers to Saddam Hussein as Bayou Billy.
…George W. Bush proposes reducing US casualties by equipping troops with +1 armor.
…John Kerry smokes crack cocaine when he thinks the camera is not trained on him.
…George W. Bush somehow sets his hair on fire by taking a drink of water.
…John Kerry kills a child with a dagger for no apparent reason.
…George W. Bush open mouth kisses Kerry during their walk-ons.
…George W. Bush sits on an egg during the entire debate and then at the end of the debate it hatches, a monkey emerges, and Bush bites its head off.
…John Kerry proposes including Zeus in the pledge of allegiance.
…John Kerry inserts a crazy straw into his urethra and attempts to urinate into his own mouth, claiming he learned the trick from the Fremen.
Finish your drink if…
…John Kerry suggests saving money on welfare by forcing the poor to eat canned catfood.
…John Kerry refers to his opponent as "Baja Fresh Gordita".
…George W. Bush feeds his familiar (a solid black toad) from his supernumerary nipple.
…John Kerry invites members of the audience to ride in a hot air balloon with him.
…George W. Bush pronounces spaghetti "pah-sketti".
…George W. Bush detonates an explosive harness in an attempt to assassinate the debate moderator.
….John Kerry approaches his podium riding on a cybernetic horse.
…George W. Bush announces he is quitting the presidency because of "creative differences" with Cheney.
…John Kerry vomits out a swarm of locusts while answering a question.
Chug a new drink if…
…John Kerry is wearing a t-shirt that says "honk if you love Corey Hart".
…George W. Bush implies that Kerry gave birth to a black baby.
…John Kerry gives birth to a black baby on stage.
…George W. Bush responds to a question by regurgitating an entire owl.
…George W. Bush admits to basing his foreign policy on a particularly prophetic word scramble on the back of a Pizza Hut placemat.
…John Kerry suffers from stigmata.
…John Kerry excuses himself halfway through the debate and returns minutes later in a bra and panties.
…Karl Rove rides out on Bush's back like Master Blaster from Beyond Thunderdome.
…George W. Bush calmly strokes a white cat throughout the entire debate.
…John Kerry pledges to erect a 300 meter tall statue of John Madden in Washington to provide constant color commentary for tourists.
…George W. Bush is fired at by an assassin but changes the code of the Matrix to reverse the bullets in mid-air.
Mainline an overdose of heroin if…
…John Kerry and George W. Bush conduct the debate inside of Atlaspheres.
…George W. Bush's glass eye is plucked out by a condor.
…John Kerry tells an anecdote about the time he shot up an orphanage while drunk.
…John Kerry challenges Bush to weekly debates up until the election and daily light cycle matches on the game grid.
…George W. Bush uses a thirty second rebuttal to emit a high-frequency hum that liquefies the internal organs of the studio audience.
…George W. Bush finally takes off his mask, revealing that it was Al Sharpton all along.
…John Kerry shoulder checks Bush into the Plexiglas.
…George W. Bush drains a bottle of Knob Creek and begins firing a revolver into the ceiling while hooting and hollering.
…John Kerry replies to every question posed by the debate moderator by groaning and moaning "I'm cumming!"
…George W. Bush pauses mid-response to demonstrate the correct way to signal from a vessel with engine distress using semaphore.
Finally, I have introduced a new category to the drinking game format that takes things above and beyond in the event of something completely outlandish happening. Keep in mind that these things will never happen, but it's fun to imagine them happening.
Consecrate an altar to Dionysus if…
…John Kerry doesn't go over the time limit with a meandering borderline incoherent response to every question.
…George W. Bush forgets the talking points he learned from handlers through Pavlovian conditioning and speaks honestly and forthrightly.
…John Kerry doesn't look and act like a corpse.
…John Kerry admits that, yes, he in fact is French.
…the words falling out of George W. Bush's mouth are fresh, original, and well considered.
…George W. Bush finally admits that the Iraq war against Saddam Hussein was just a case of confusion over the spelling of "Bin Laden".
…John Kerry suddenly realizes that scratching his finger on a loose screw in Vietnam doesn't make him a hero or prepare him for being president.
…George W. Bush suddenly realizes that flying a jet around Texas when the fancy strikes him between keggers doesn't equate to serving our country honorably.
…George W. Bush abandons the religious rhetoric and promotes a return to the good old days of separation of church and state.
…the debate turns out to be an honest clash of ideas rather than a verbal filing of press releases.
…you don't get disgusted by both candidates, feel completely disenfranchised from politics in the United States, and want to start a revolution after watching the debate.
As an alternative to playing our drinking game, feel free to just watch the debates after already making yourself drunk. At least that way when you feel like you're going to throw up you can pretend it's because of the alcohol.
The Remains of Bidet (James Ivory, 1993)
We might find we have more in common than we think if we just stop fighting long enough to combine our bodies into a singular organism.
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