A message from Rep. Grip Oswald, Chamber of Issues

Rep. Grip Oswald (Q), Class Omega Z Representative, Chamber of IssuesAs most of you know, I'm an avid golfer and boatsmith. But nothing - nothing - has caught my attention more than Proposition 43. It is, perhaps, the greatest issue I have ever stood behind. Greater than Propositions 37, 12, and 14 (though not combined), and 2.64 times more important than Issue 14. Proposition 43 has significance. Can you, in your greatest moment of insight, imagine a concept that is 2.64 times more important than limiting the city drain commissioner's catering budget? I can't, and thanks to a generous grant from the Proposition 43 Awareness Committee, I will soon find this task impossible.

Citizens, think of that number 43. It's prime. Can't be broken down. Just like me when I was arrested for impersonating a senator from the months of April to December of 2004. Luckily, I had the foresight to help pass many laws allowing the impersonation of a high-ranking member of the legislative branch to not only be legal, but encouraged.

It's this "hands-on" approach to government I stand behind which should,without a doubt, give my words the gravity they deserve, as well as justify my position as "Representative for Life" at the Chamber of Issues. Vote early, vote often, and confuse the elderly and our brave men fighting overseas into letting you fill out their absentee ballots. Please cooperate; we at the Chamber do not want to take away your local newspapers again.

Happy Boating,
Grip Oswald

I made a vow that I would not follow through with my assisted suicide until Circus Peanuts are banned from the shelves of my local supermarket. And thanks to Proposition 43, my last Christmas may just be my best Christmas!

- Colin Werther III

Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that my daily, crippling hangovers would ever be covered by my work's health plan. Proposition 43 may just make this dream come true. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a date tonight with Jack Daniels and my old high school yearbooks!

- Samwise Firth

My head is so large that it cannot be contained within the portraits of most adequately-equipped photography studios. It is my understanding that Proposition 43 will supply these houses of photography with the appropriate panoramic lenses which will enable me to show my grandma who lives in Topeka, Kansas that I am a big boy now with a big boy haircut.

- Tank Lazlo

I have kids. They go to school. Unfortunately, I work out of the home 15 hours a week and often don't have time to make sure they aren't raped at the bus stop. And with child predators lurking in every mailbox and behind every stop sign, who's to say that the next skinned knee I kiss won't be caused by a game of hopscotch gone wrong, but instead by a brutal raping? With Proposition 43 in effect, armed guards will stand with my children at the bus stop, fully enclosing them in a Safe-T-Bag until the bus arrives and has been confirmed as being real. The Safe-T-Bag can also be used for punishment.

For more information on the Safe-T-Bag and other products, please visit http://www.momworkz.com.

- Carol Grubaker

Some people think that the Chamber of Issues has grown too powerful. Some people are wondering, "Whatever happened to the mayor?" and "Why are all of these camps being built?" These people should be murdered in their sleep. And, if Proposition 43 is passed, I can finally put all of my Counter-Strike training to use as a merchant of death in the new secret police. "Heh, looks like the secret's out." That's what I'm going to say before I shoot people.

- Phil Zampton






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