I am currently in China. I've been here since August 1st. In the last few days, I have been travelling by train to... locations that don't matter. What does matter is my five day long masturbation hiatus. I'm 17 and it hasn't been this long since three years ago when self inflicted romantic stupidities told me I should never masturbate again until I was making love to my then current infatuation (after our marriage.) I failed in both the non-masturbation and the getting of the girl aspects, and alot has changed since then, but again, that doesn't matter. Now, I still have reservations about my ideas on sex. I'll talk about it openly and about my masturbation habits with no problem, but, to me, it's still sorta sacred. I've actually only dreamed of having sex once before and it was the overly perfect/romantic type (I almost cried when I started waking up to reality.) Yes this is pathetic. I know.
I have masturbated to hentai before... enough said.
I was just having a nightmare. "Just" meaning about fifteen minutes ago. My calling it a "nightmare" is more out of shame than out of actual fright. Now, my dream was animated. I have never even had an animated dream before. I was the generic male protagonist in a soppy relationship with another animated (hentai/manga type) girl. Now, we go into the bedroom, do flirtation thing, and, eventually, we get to... handjob!... I suppose because of my reservations. Now pan out. There's somebody in a dark room videotaping us for maniacally evil purposes that I'll never know of. Her (yes, evil women) intention was to have me cum all over the place because my "sex meter" or whatever the fuck it was needed to be up to max level... Can I reitterate how weird this is, even to me? I'm dead serious, never happened before. Anyways, pan back in, and somehow I'm having sex with this animated chick. Oh, and I've turned into a chick with a dick... go figure. And then, "kabloom" I'm animu cumming allover the fucking place. I go "Oh, shit", because my dream self realises that this is a bad thing. I have a limit in dreams. It's like a safety net. Anything too fucked and I auto-awake. And that's what I did...
I auto-awake to me cumming (Surprise!) onto a bed that is in the house of a friend of my step-cousin's dad. I'm literally sleeping/waking/cumming right next to my step-cousin who I sleep next to for space purposes. I've never even had a wet-dream before. I raise my ass in the air as fast as I can after realising what the fuck is happening, but, lo and behold, it's too fucking late. There's a round stain in this person I don't know's bed... next to my cousin (repetitions IS required.) I rush to the bathroom after going through my shit for another pair of boxers, and I'm afraid of having my cousin wake up throughout the whole, short ordeal. I make somewhat reasonable cleanup of myself and I put my old boxers off to the side. I go back to the bed with some toilet paper and wipe at the stain. All the while, my cousin's leg is literally twitching in front of my face. I go back to the bathroom and come back to finish the job as best as possible. Somehow my cousin doesn't wake up.
So, I have cum-drenched boxers in the bathroom. I have a stain on somebody else's bed that I've made better by covering with a blanket. I don't know what else to do, and this is literally the most horrifying thing that has ever happened to me. That's my story. For some reason, I feel like I've just landed a really good poker hand in the game of horrifying stories.
"Get up," she heard Nergal's voice say in a tone much less kind than the one he had originally spoken to her with.Ninian's eyes slowly fluttered open, and she saw a man towering over her. He had dark green hair, but most of it was covered by a black turban that also covered his right eye. He wore all black.Ninian suddenly regretted coming through the Gate."You...are...Nergal?" she asked weakly."I am," he growled. "Now get up. And put this on." He tossed her a small black dress. Ninian wondered for a second how she was going to fit into that...Then she looked down at herself.She had somehow unconsciously reverted to human form. Looking to her side, she saw that Nils had done the same. He had become like a child, looking like he was ten years old at best. He now had messy light green hair and crimson eyes, and was only a little over four feet tall. He was wearing a black tunic and pants.Ninian suddenly realized that the reason Nergal had given her the dress was that she wasn't wearing anything. Dragons, of course, never wore any clothes, but she wasn't a dragon anymore. With a slight gasp, she hastily put on the dress and stood up.She nearly fell back down. She felt like she didn't have the strength to do anything."What's...what's wrong with me?" she wondered aloud."An unexpected side effect," Nergal explained angrily. "Your dragon form was accustomed to breathing the air of the world beyond the Dragon's Gate, not of this world. Your human form can survive, but...barely, for about fifteen years at best. Your strength should return in a few days...and it better," he spat."What?" she asked. "Why...what's going on?"Nergal suddenly laughed."Did you really believe humans wanted dragons back in their world?"Ninian's face suddenly changed from a look of confusion to one of terror."What...what are you going to do with me?" she asked fearfully."I am not going to do anything to you; it looks like it's pointless anyhow." He chuckled slightly. "No, little girl, you are going to do something for me."Ninian didn't like being used, nor did she like the title 'little girl'. "And what might that be?" she asked, a trace of anger in her voice.
The first time "fast", "decisive", and "efficient" could have been used to describe the Minecraft development team was when they snatched the $2.5 billion dollar check out of Microsoft's sweaty, shaking hand.
Paleo guru and definite non-idiot Luke K. clears the air about some of your favorite pumpkin treats this holiday season. Also he weighs in on the controversy surrounding a paleo wedding cake.
No lifeguard on duty. Maze run at your own risk.
The Something Awful Forums are, by far, the greatest and most entertaining community on the internet. From the Comedy Goldmine to Photoshop Phriday, our forums are pretty much the lone island refusing to be engulfed by the sea of stupidity that is the internet. While sections like the Comedy Goldmine and Photoshop Phriday showcase the intentionally hilarious forum creations, we've failed to reveal the coin's flip side. The Great Goon Database is a depository of unintentionally amusing Something Awful Forum quotes demonstrating the darker side of SA. Special thanks to Goon "LittleJoe" for collecting and sorting these gems.