I got problems and issues to contend with, all thanks to the palins.Woooooo-wooooooo-wooooooo!

That's a siren and it ain't goin' off cuz somebody put one in the net. That's the Johnston alert siren that goes off when I am super pissed off. Only certain shit gets me in this mood. Like when I got a wasp in my shoe and got stung nine times on one foot and then somehow got it out and it went right over into my other shoe and stung that foot too.

We are talkin' super pissed off right now. Why am I so pissed off? Guess who is deciding to deny me my praternal rights as a dad of tripp? Mrs. effing Palin is who. Her and Bristol have cooked up some scheme to not only deny me my ownership rights of my own property, but also keep my mom out like she is some crazed druggie who will blow meth smoke in Tripp's face and feed him pills.

What the fuck is he baby pac man? It's not even logical because babies hate pills. You ever tried to feed a pill to a baby? Actually, I might be thinking of dogs, but the same thing applies.

The point is, this case is bullshit.

A judge's ruling has revealed a heated legal custody battle between Sarah Palin's daughter and the father of her grandson.

Bristol Palin's request to keep the proceedings closed was denied last week by a Superior Court judge. A temporary order had authorized the use of pseudonyms while the court was considering the request, which stated that no good "could result to the child by an onslaught of media."

Levi Johnston, the father of 1-year-old Tripp, has pushed for open court proceedings, saying he "just wants a simple case on the merits."

"I do not feel protected against Sarah Palin in a closed proceeding," Johnston said in an affidavit. "I hope that if it is open she will stay out of it. Bristol's attorney is her attorney."

mrs. palin wouldn't kiss turg because she said she had to stay smart for the VP test. I tried to tell her she couldn't catch trog's disease and that there was no VP test, but she was too busy practicing her loud winks. BTW this is what it's supposed to look like when you love a baby.First of all, I'm not even sure what the fuck an affidavid is but I know I never went in one so I don't know where usa today is making up this bullshit. That is pretty much what I thought about it though so maybe someone else went in there and told them.

So the palins are takin' my ass to court and yall know the tricks they would be up to with Mrs. Palin behind the scenes pulling the strings. That's why I had to fight to make that shit public. We're talking about a lady who pretended she had a baby to cover up our first baby because she thought if Bristol had a baby at 16 it would look bad. By the way there aint nothing in this lawsuit about tring, which I would adventure to guess is because the palins give a fuck less about my little tough dude turg.

Seriously, the last time I was there it was like 8 degrees and everyone was inside drinking hot cocoa with marshmallows and I was like, "yo what is up where the fuck is my boy!?" and Sarah was playing wii fit and wearing her ipod and that lactonic fucker todd didn't say shit. Finally paige got done lookin at black dude porn on the internet and told me straight up that they left him outside "cuz he loves it out there." No doubt I bet little kids would love to live in a candy house but you don't build them a candy house it's parenting 101.

this is about how sarah palin kissed trog for the cameras, which BTW is how you kiss something you hate and are afraid it might kill you or turn you into a bean or somethingSo I go outside and sure enough Trib is out there by himself completely naked making tunnels in the snow and building a nest out of pine needles and shit. He did that pr-pr-pr-pr thing he does and he came trundling over with pelts and shit stuck up on his head. Goddamn. I would call child services on those fuckers if mrs. palin hadn't cut the budget on them so bad that they have one agent who just circles alaska in a cessna looking for children who shoot flares up into the sky. I tried throwin' some road flares I had in my truck up into the sky, but I couldn't get them high enough.

It's fucking lucky as shit that Turt is a burly little fucker with big meaty arms and a tundra body and shit, cuz thats the only thing kept him from dying. I'm totally not a violent dude off the ice or unless I'm real drunk or provoked, and I probably shouldn't even say this on account of the court proceedings going on, but if that lil dude froze his ass to death out there I would have just straight up gone Predator 2 on those fuckers. I would have faded out into the snow with some camo and then fucking spear gunned todd that lazy bitch and hung em all up and skinned em and take the trophy back to my ship.

More Johnston Checks In

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.