look at this goofy bitch yeah you're an expert hunter *puts on brand new hat and sweatshirt, lifts brand new shotgun, walsk like 4 feet from CNN crew and shoots bird shot at an imaginary turkey*Also that guy was like "I am all about home school" and michele bagmans was like "no fuck that I home shcoll harder" and its like whoa whoa whoa we actually competing now to see who fucks up their kids worse? The only people I know who homeschool have kids that like stare all the time and flinch if you talk to loud and wear weird dresses that look like somebody copied the clothes from a doll. They always smell weird too like I can imagine them studying how biology is a lie while somebody is next to them rubbing ointment into grandma's crazy veined out legs.

Yeah okay stan and michele home schooling is way awesome if you want your kids to be a) wrong about everything, b) weird as fuck, c) have crazy huge pubic hair that will turn off studly hockey players when they're getting ready to put a stake in that vampire and d) smelly.

About the only good reason to home school is if you want to train your kid on some weird jag like spelling bees which as we all know is really preparing them for a future because spelling is the number one skill needed in the world. Seriouslly haha. When was the last time you even spelled? I pretty much just open up my computer and slam my hands on this clacker thing and it fixes all the words.

mitch romney is the only dude who never made people laugh intentionally. favorite tv show is from 70 years ago and his favorite book, in case you forgot, is battlefield earthCainj is gone. Some say he evolved into something more powerful but I don't buy that. HE got waylaid by that woman with the texts looked like a frigging balloon animal in a good hair hat. Perry is WAY up in a meth bender. I knocked on his door and his eyes were flicking all over and he was holding his hands up on his chest like a t-rex and just straight looking for some SHIT to get into. That place was trashed to he was like "YOOOOO YO YO YO LEVI YO You want some pills? Some grass? Uppers? Ludes? Come on in here and let's burn some glass" and then I looked over and painted on the mirror in like lipstick it just said NIGGERHEAD nad looked back and he was wearing this pink dress over his business suit and I was like whoa I am a dude with a future I can't be up in this scene anymore but I will take a doggie bag on them pills.

So mitch romeny is last man standing like I said and fuck it. Who cares? That guy dropped an I love lucy joke. I'm sorry I don't get the reference dude because I was fucking born after 1925 and I wasn't raised in one of those creepy religions with special underpants and wierd books and not allowed to drink coffee. Yeah sure don't get started on the coffee but I bet when you throw your back out you're popping oxy like cactus jack.

Whatever, white bread. This stupid year is over. This stupid election is over. Country is over. Go ahead and be USA's most boring president ever.

Ig to a snow machine to drunk stunt on.


– Levi "HOckey" Johnston

More Johnston Checks In

This Week on Something Awful...

About This Column

Levi "HOckey" Johnston is a pro writer now and hockey expert since forever. He comments regularly on family life, politics, Alaska, hockey, vag, babies, babes, 4x4s, hunting, and stuff like that. Oh, yeah, and he was engaged to Bristol Palin and had one (two) kids with her, so...I can put anything here? He also fights like a devil and pounds poon like a demon. He's pretty much unbelievable. His life is a raw adventure to the root.

Previous Articles

Suggested Articles

Copyright ©2018 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.