This article is part of the SXSW Guide / Anti-Guide series.
SXSW PIX by: JOHN 'WET BUTT' V AND SPECIAL GUEST LORENZO LAPELS THE GARBAGE BOY
MAGGIE MAE'S GIBSON ROOM
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 13 8:00PM - 8:40PM
WB: I love this guy from Ireland that nobody cares about. He makes jumpy punky music by himself, and that's okay, but then live he has people on it, and that's even better! The hooks are always very punchy and it's all very good! Have a fun!
LL: You can't understand anything that the guy says and all the music goes too fast so you'll miss the whole set while buying a hot dog. It might be cool to skateboard to, but I am not allowed to do that after I stained my last good pair of skateboard shorts, or "shoards," so this band is absolutely worthless to me.
WHO CARES, WHATEVER
WB: Hahaha this guy has like a million songs and they all sound like Blink 182 and they're made for that special breed of chubby brewery tour white guy that calls himself a Music Nerd and keeps trying to tell you how great Fall Out Boy's hooks really were or whatever, which is worse than music for holocaust revisionists. I hope a thrilling Counter Strike tournament stops him from attending.
LL: This guy is actually pretty cool. You can tell that he slacks off on the reg, like me, and his music sounds like hairy tiny balls sweating against small pale wiener.
LA ZONA ROSA
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 13 11:00PM - 11:40PM
WB: Never mind I thought this one said U2. UNRECOMMENDED!!! Love U2 though. "Still haven't found what I'm looking for" ... that one just says it all, for all of us, really. We haven't found it. Just like Bono, man.
LONG CENTER FOR THE PERFORMANCE ARTS
FRIDAY, MARCH 15 12:20AM - 1:00AM
WB: This guy was on that Sun City Girls weird world music label thing but now he's bigger than they ever were! It's for a good reason too. It's fun to go to the show and clap along with the weird Syrian dance music, and the synths are strangely violent. Please make me a wedding tape Mr Soul Man
LL: This is stupid as hell and it sounds like Borat. The next time they do some stuff like this on NPR again I'm just going to find a new place to hear cool stories about turning animals gay. I am definitely a real guy and not just the first guy making dumb jokes under a different name.
THURSDAY, MARCH 14 8:00PM - 8:25PM
FRIDAY, MARCH 15 12:00AM - 12:40AM
WB: I thought this dude was a chick all year! He's doing a great job making weird Dream Academy 1980s sad electronic sounds that aren't stupid. In fact, they're smart and good. Check it out man.
LL: This sounds like there's a killer wolf chasing me, so it's scary, for starters, and then also the picture on the video made me think my screen was dirty, so it was scary on two levels. I do not come to music to be frightened. If I wanted that, I would print fake newspapers with headlines that say, "Lorenzo Lapels banned from Costco," and read them over and over again.
FRIDAY, MARCH 15 10:10PM - 10:50PM
WB: Weyes Blood is some woman in a haze bucket. All her songs sound like Nico's Desertshore, or something on Finders Keepers records from 1972 bargain bin. This is wobbly dark princess folk.
LL: THIS FESTIVAL SHOULD SERIOUSLY BE CALLED SCARED BY SCARED WEST BECAUSE ALL THIS MUSIC IS FRIGHTENING THE HELL OUT OF ME!!! THIS SOUNDS LIKE AN EVIL VIDEO GAME BOSS AND THERE'S BLOOD EVEN IN THE NAME AND THE PICTURE IS LIKE A DEAD GIRL AND ALSO THERE'S A GIRL SO THIS IS THE SCARIEST THING I'VE PROBABLY EVER SEEN!!! I'M DONE WITH THIS
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
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