That's Tank on the left looking like one of those creepy chinese eggs and that's me on the right in my sweet ass affliction shirt that I accidentally caught on fire doing stunts with lighter fluid.Now I see that on all the Fox Newses that aren't just a constant scrolling lists of suspected illegal immigrants to citizens arrest and local mosques to protest they have been running this story about some shit Tank said.

Asked whether he believed people would take Johnston's run for office seriously, with TV cameras rolling, Jones said: "People questioned Jesus Christ, so I definitely don't care about these mere mortals questioning Levi Johnston.


Yeah, okay, Fox News and everyone on MNBC or whatever with that square headed lesbian keith olgermantis were all acting like Tank was being serious. Uh, tongue in fucking cheek, brotards. Of course I'm not Jesus Christ, I'm like barely on the level as that Marty Macdoolings guy who was a dude hooker like deuce bigelow (top ten flick, check my list in September's GQ).

Which reminds me, what the hell is up with that true blood show? I try to watch that shit on my tvd thing but I end having to dooka-dooka double fastforward through everything because it's like all the cool characters doing gay stuff. I mean, yall know I love gay dudes, but that's a britch too far. I mean like that black dude with the sweet car he's gay???? wtf? That show is getting worse than the time I caught butt worms from a gang bang at the fairgrounds. And I think I saw a viking king or something fight ray romano (spelling????) but it might have been a preview for metv everybody loves raymond got mixed up with that on my tvd thing because fuck if I know how to run that shit. I tried to season pass the knife show and ended up with 675 episodes of diners drive-ins and dives with that smashmouth guy. Pretty decent show if you like chicken fried steak and sunglasses and yelling and you're a dumb piece of shit fucker.

I introduced brittani to the levi special which is a night of getting dicked down, bad baby pills, and a week of waiting for a plus sign.My point is, fucking stop overreacting to everything. Relax. If I hadn't given all my weed and oxy to my roommate I'd hook you up. I tell you what, getting you fucking wasted and chilling you out will be my number one priority when I'm mayor.

I've been so busy doing player shit. I went to the teen choice awards with brittani sensors. That place was a concentration camp for girls I'm gonna get pregnant. Of course you know I blew it up like tower 7. Messed up Justin Biebers hair, took a picture of icarlys tits, and drunk drove the zero emissions green car into a fountain. Plus you know I killed so many cooters that trip last I saw pussy was listed as a vulnerable species on its wikipedia page.

Stay tuned for the inebitable release of my ordained rap song which is to be wrote and collaborated on by somebody to be determined. Does Bone Thuggs still exist? I already know which chinchilla seats I'm going to get for the bentley I am going to buy with the money from that album.

Oh, and before I go, I got to say how tragic it is that things did not work out with bristol. I am so bummed out that didn't work because that was shaping up to be a lot of fun with her whole family making me swear oaths to dead gods before a goats head that I would never high five a guy darker than the paint chip they brought in from their sun room and I couldn't be nice to anyone gayer than todd's muscle man magazines which is pretty much impossible but I think they meant for me to call gay people slobomites and pray out a druid spirit on a crystal ball at their church. Me and bristol now communicate 100% through People magazine. She gives them exclusive insight like "he's bad" or rolls her eyes and then the reporter writes 50 pages and I tell them about how after I got through with Katy Perry she had to get stitches just to be able to sit down. God damn though warning to the wise that rack of hers looks great until you take off her top and then it looks like she's got two cyclopses staring at her shoes. But I don't want to slamber her so I'm sorry. My mom always yelled at me to say something nice or shut the fuck up so I'll say she is really good at doing two dudes at once and she can handle a lot of special k without acting mean.

WELL see you when I'm mayor of wasilla fuckers.

Until then,

Sincerely,

Sir Levi Johnston (Future Mayor)

– Levi "HOckey" Johnston

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About This Column

Levi "HOckey" Johnston is a pro writer now and hockey expert since forever. He comments regularly on family life, politics, Alaska, hockey, vag, babies, babes, 4x4s, hunting, and stuff like that. Oh, yeah, and he was engaged to Bristol Palin and had one (two) kids with her, so...I can put anything here? He also fights like a devil and pounds poon like a demon. He's pretty much unbelievable. His life is a raw adventure to the root.

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