Yoooooo what the eff is up, kemosoppies???

Long time no smell. Hard times up here in alaska's obama economy. All this automation and carried interests have made it so I am not even allowed to order sit down food because I am a "dine and dash risk" like that's an actual thing. Lady don't try to tell me I can't get two Sunshine Skillets and a to-go bag of biscuits because me and Bob Evans go way back.

Anyway I got babies so I got to make sure I got food in my house. You can only mooch so many bags of tortilla combos from the gas station and chew them up and spit them into your baby's mouth. I mean at least get a Twizzler rope and chew that in the mix to add some fruit. I tired this food pyramid shit but the government tells you what to eat on one hand and then won't let you hunt up enough food because everyone is all sensitive about canada geese like if they're so endangered why does my driveway get shitted up worse than the ditch next to the portable toilets line at Coachella.

So I been making some adjustments to the new economy. Just before Tank disappeared into a helicopter for the last time he told me the palins can take everything away but what I got is my IP which I don't know what that means but I have been trying to monetize my IPs. I wrote a book and nobody gave a shit even though I did publicity I left a message at NPR and said I would talk to that dude Terry Gross. No call backs. I don't give a fuck. I will take paula poundstone off-roading if she wants to fly up to Wasilla but I guess she's too good for that. Hey, paula, we got kids here. I will get you wasted and you can show off your ditch.

Anyway, this thing I been hearing all about is called "wierd twitter" which I think is that thing anderson cooper talks about but weirder. I figure with my IPs that I still haven't used I could put some of those into action on weird twitter. There were already 63 guys named levi johnston so I'm still trying to come up with a name to use. In the mean time I have been crafting tweets to say to people to get money. I'm still working on them but here is what I came up with so far:

  • Remember that TV show with the girl from the 1990s robot movie? now imagine her in a mashup situation 90s#
  • bradly manning gave USA videos to wikipedia??? I say fucking hang him that site sucks dicks like I want to know what a fucking anime is thanks #hangbardlymanding
  • I have no label pills I want to sell if anybody wants to roll the party dice on these otherwise I am giving them to slime bro #slimebro
  • don't otherize me by calling me a dumbass redneck felon with unpaid child support and too many fucking kids or I swear to shit I will come to your house and drive over your legs privileged scum
  • myth bubsted #slimebor
  • @therealpiperpalin please stop dming me vines of blood
  • zach glaficnackis playing paino in a spaceship can't get through droll lines without laughing and only kyle chandler as han solo can understand him DO YOU HEAR ME JJJ ABRAMS?? #cannon
  • dang I feel pretty sorry for tim tebow having to spend all summer judging a wet tshirt contest on maxim titties in his backyard instead of getting TBI from 300 pound black guys
  • Something about a video game and a dog #FF
  • probably the worst part about having your drivers license confiscated by the government is that you lose all your constitutional right to go crusing i mean you try to swerve over and pick up some babe with her butt hanging out when you are on a riding mower I mean it can be done and I do done it on the regs but it is crazy hard to spit game on a top ten pole dancer while you have to leave your ride in blower mode so it doesn't overheat on wet grass and that shit is still illegal according to the gestapo tactics of the police in wasilla who claim a riding mower is not street legal even though I dropped out the engine and put a stock engine I got out of a kia soul like if it's good enough for the dancing mice I think it is good enough for brittany and me to grind on officer hitler


Most of the rest of my tweets are based on the idea that mexican people don't use twitter. If they do I have a lot of changes to make to my long rants about mexican desserts and about 100 tweets making fun of veladoras. The rest of my content will be piss filter instagrams of my rock hard body breaking hearts and illegal threats against public officials.

After I hit about 100 followers I am going to start printing out the books of my tweets. None of that lulu shit either I am going to DIY it with the photocopier at the wasilla library and have my friend Tucker draw me some covers. He got an art show at the Wendy's here, you can just go in and buy his art there at the Wendy's. He mostly does sketches of animals like wolves and hawks and shit with a native american theme but I bet he can draw up a nice pair of titties that just says ULTIMATE TWEETS over the titties and then a quote from like roald dall about it. "I wish I could right like levi johnston he's basically the funniest and coolest dude out there and this book is better than anything I wrote in my sad gay life, no offense to gays" - roald dall, author of the giant peach book I read in 5th grade for a book report.

I'm out of here!

Peace!

– Levi "HOckey" Johnston

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About This Column

Levi "HOckey" Johnston is a pro writer now and hockey expert since forever. He comments regularly on family life, politics, Alaska, hockey, vag, babies, babes, 4x4s, hunting, and stuff like that. Oh, yeah, and he was engaged to Bristol Palin and had one (two) kids with her, so...I can put anything here? He also fights like a devil and pounds poon like a demon. He's pretty much unbelievable. His life is a raw adventure to the root.

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