As they enter the town, the townsfolk are all present on the streets and sidewalks to stare at them, since the local economy seems to be driven entirely by random wandering. The three men begin to get creeped out by this, possibly because everyone is leering suspiciously at them, but more likely because they are deep in southern Texas and the entire population of the town is 100% lily white. This is obviously impossible, so either the town is trapped in a wormhole leading to Minnesota or Satan is involved somehow.
As the three look around the town, Jux notices a little girl jiggling a gumball machine. Moved by tender feelings for the little girl who reminds him so much of his dearly departed murdered daughter, Jux puts a quarter in the machine and gives her a gumball. She smiles at him in an incredibly creepy and flirtatious manner and then leaves without saying a word, setting in motion the epic romance the two will embark upon through the course of the movie. The three men then make their way into the local saloon and ask for drinks and a phone. "We have no phones," says the cold, reserved waitress, and it soon turns out that Ceres, Texas is utterly cut off from the outside world, with no phones and no cars. The men are disturbed by this news and order Dr. Peppers, which apparently magically appear in the sequestered community.
As the three men try to figure out what to do, Chuck Norris wanders up. "I believe this is yours," he says mysteriously, and hands them a book. Conrad recognizes it as one of the bibles from their plane. Apparently Chuck Norris found their plane and ransacked it, probably again because he is an asshole. "How about a shortwave radio?" Chuck, whose name in the movie is Matthew but no one cares, asks them. He then walks out the door without elaborating, because he is an asshole. The men, intrigued, follow him outside and Chuck gives them direction to "Diana's" place, Diana apparently having a radio they could use.
The three men walk through the town towards Diana's place, while all the local children stare at them with their best Children of the Corn impressions. Eventually they make it to Diana's house where Diana, apparently the only person in town with a car, offers to drive them to where the radio is. In the car, Oren attempts to strike up a conversation with Diana's creepy son Jeremy. "So Jeremy, do you like sports?" he asks. Jeremy rolls his eyes and says no. "OK, excellent, very good," Oren answers, glad that the perfunctory formalities are over and they can spend the rest of the car ride in a good Christian silence.
After a while they arrive at their destination, an old ramshackle house out in the boonies. A large non-indigenous snake is curled around a fencepost in possibly the most blatantly obvious Satanic symbols known to mankind. Diana knocks on the door and Chuck Norris answers. "These men need to use your radio," she says, and Chuck lets them inside. To reiterate:
The hero walk, Christian style!The next morning, as the three men come out of the hotel, Diana drives up and tells them to meet her at her house in an hour. Wait a minute, if the town has no gas stations, how does she drive her car? Must be Satan, I guess. Meanwhile, Lyric talks to Emeritus, the local agent of Lucifer, and it becomes clear she isn't as angelic as she appears. "You were touched by the one named Jux, Lyric," says Emeritus, adding another layer of perversion to the relationship between the two, but it's soon explained that for some reason the devil children can't be touched by someone who worships God because it will taint them somehow. There's probably more prosaic reasons why children shouldn't be touched by strange men, but I guess you don't change what already works.
While Oren tries to teach the local kids how to play football, Conrad and Jux go and meet Diana, who explains to them the dark secrets of Ceres. "An unholy force holds this town," she explains. "They take away the children's souls." Diana tries to convince them to take her son Jeremy with them when they leave, despite the fact that Jeremy is obviously already a brainwashed agent of darkness. Conrad and Jux murmur noncommittal Christian noises and leave. They track down Oren, who is attempting to follow in Jux's footsteps and give candy to local children, and explain to him how the children are in grave danger and thus the three of them need to get the hell out of there before the bad shit goes down. Way to go, guys. As they talk, there's a random shot of a peacock standing on a rooftop, which is somehow related to Oren's failure of a "peacock joke" although it's never explained what the symbolism is for and merely stands as another testament to the director's massive drug habits.
Maria Mitchell is shown holding a telescope to each eye, using them to ogle passing hunks on the street below. OOOGA! Her tongue rolls out like a firehose, her eyes comically bulging through the ends of the telescopes.
The Internet experience of 2014 has been condensed into a single article for your convenience.
Youtube user HolkHogan420 has been systematically exposing all of the Illuminati's plans.
Something Awful reviews the absolute worst movies out there. We focus mostly on horror and science fiction, because all writers here on Something Awful are huge nerds.