Claude reflects on all the good times he's had in that position.The three return home where Ma has just finished cooking up a big pot of beans, and everyone sits around eating and farting for what feels like three hours. At about this point the director remembered that he was supposed to be making a vampire movie, and the scene shifts to the vampirized B.J. and his ghoulfriend who wander into a local bar, which would classify as a dive in most parts of the civilized world, but in Hickville is probably the swankiest place in town. They sit down next to a grizzled middle-aged lady who is wearing a t-shirt with a giant "BEER IS THE ANSWER" slogan printed on the front. The lady seems to know the vampire girl and asks if she's all right, and in return for her concern gets a couple of fangs in the neck. So much for southern hospitality.
The movie cuts back to the three stooges, who are getting ready for bed. For some reason the interior decorator doesn't actually have any arranged lodging and his job is apparently a multi day affair. Claude enters the bedroom, draped in Hefneresque silk pajamas and face covered in some sort of skin product, and he learns he will be sleeping between Cletus and Li'l Junior, who cap off the night by emitting several more world class farts. The hicks goad the pansy to tear a few of his own, and Claude admits that he doesn't know how. Soon enough he's down on all fours straining himself to squeeze one out, and when it finally comes his face lights up with unmitigated glee, or maybe it's an unconscious response from his last few neurons burning out. Claude's dignity thus regained, he crawls into bed and the three fall asleep in a nice little cuddlepile.
The next morning, Ma puts some sort of dish on the windowsill, and while her back is turned another obese middle-aged woman sneaks up and presses pieces of cat shit into it, because there is some stupid subplot involving a bake-off at the upcoming town festival that I neglected to mention. After garnishing the dish the woman runs off, and Ma comes back and sets out the food for the three stooges who have finally rolled out of bed and headed downstairs, somehow even more disheveled than usual. The three smell the inviting aroma of cat shit which Ma's heaping sprinkles of cinnamon were unable to fully mask, but instead of asking anything so crude as "why does it look like someone stuck cat shit in this meal," all three sit quietly while the concoction is ladled out onto their plates. Cletus and Li'l Junior pretend to nibble at it and exhibit surprisingly discriminatory palates for people who enjoy living in their own filth, but Claude finally tastes it and then begins chowing down, commenting on how wonderful the food is and how much it reminds him of French cuisine. You see, because French food tastes like cat shit. It all makes perfect sense, really.
The Crypt Keeper has seen better days.Later that day Cletus and Li'l Junior take off for town to buy some beer and discuss the poker game to be held that night. When they pull up to the local liquor store there's a handwritten sign outside saying "NEW HOURS SUNDOWN - SUNRISE," which strikes the two of them as odd but probably not the strangest thing they saw even on the drive over there. Meanwhile, the director again remembers that the movie is supposed to be about vampires, so a bunch of newly vampirized hicks wander around and get themselves killed in supposedly amusing ways. One stands in the sun until he burns up. Another gets in a tanning booth and burns up. Another one somehow gets in a tub full of holy water and, uh, burns up. Just when it seems that the director can only remember one way a vampire can die, a couple of vampire hicks somehow set off a Rube Goldberg chain reaction in their own basement that manage to propel stakes into their hearts for some reason.
That night Cletus and Li'l Junior drag Claude to their poker game, which is strangely deserted as half the town was too dumb to figure out how to live as a vampire for more than twelve hours. The two keep making oblique comments about "One Eyed Lurleen," and when she finally arrives, sure enough she has a patch covering one eye. Usually this is enough to qualify as the most immediately noticeable feature on a woman, but Lurleen also weighs about half a ton, so the eyepatch is fairly dwarfed by the rest of her behemoth frame.
The four continue playing poker, and Lurleen melodramatically announces that she lost another hand, and begins pawing at herself. Claude glances at the other two stooges and asks what she's doing. Cletus and Li'l Junior keep their eyes firmly planted on their cards and announce that while they are not playing strip poker, Lurleen is. Lurleen finally grasps the loose end of her shirt among the multitudinous folds of lard and then
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
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