Trillaphon: This is where it gets ugly.
Hydrogen: Jesus Christ, the movie gets uglier?
Trillaphon: No, I meant my raging alcoholism. This is where it really kicks into overdrive.
Hydrogen: Sweet merciful fuck, that thing is going to haunt my nightmares forever.
Trillaphon: I BRING YOU LOVE...AND DEATH. MOSTLY DEATH.
Hydrogen: My brain just hard-locked trying to decide which to reject first: the mentally handicapped steroid-freak octo-teddy bear, or the jail-sharks from Brooklyn New Yorkasharkachussetts.
Trillaphon: So let's review: an unscrupulous one-eyed whaling magnate, in cahoots with a gang of ex-con guido sharks who his toady can speak with because he's Aquaman, enlisted a giant hydrocephalic muscle octopus to huck an iceberg into the Titanic. Said Titanic being the boat that he's currently on board with his wife and children. Question marks.
Hydrogen: Spoiler alert: the Titanic does actually sink, but everyone rides away on magic talking whales to safety, including the mouse who was lying dead in a pool of his own bodily fluids after having 20,000 volts run through his mustache to send a telegraph message to somebody, maybe a whale because none of the other options make any sense.
Hydrogen: I can't believe I got to use the phrase "spoiler alert" in a review of a fucking Titanic movie.
Trillaphon: It's actually kind of fitting for this Titanic movie, it actually has lots of surprise twists nobody could ever see coming.
After years of being misunderstood, I had hoped we finally had "our" story. I was wrong.
He had a yellow inflatable tube around his waist, the kind with a comical duck head. There was a tiny fish in one of his hands, and a trident in the other. In the background a squirrel wearing shades was water skiing.
For fans of meaningless awards, these awards are extra meaningless.
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