The Crimson Scarlet
Location: Highland, UT
Origin: Raised by Mormons.
Powers: 30 years of reading Family Circle Magazine has given The Crimson Scarlet an immense knowledge of table setting ideas and Apple Brown Betty recipes.
Weakness: Her husband's other, prettier wives; leather bed restraints.
Organization: The Modern-Day Saints
Greatest Accomplishment: Was given special backyard privileges for stopping her menstrual cycle by sheer willpower alone.
Quote: "Villains, beware! I know where you sleep at night: my house."
|Location: Lawrence, KS|
Origin: Fell asleep in a giant bowl of Cheetos.
Powers: Can make any object translucent by merely rubbing it on his face.
Weakness: Litigation from Sam Raimi and Universal Pictures; constant beatings from random passersby.
Organization: Registered Sex Offenders
Greatest Accomplishment: Cooked up a batch of emergency French Fries using only the oil collected from his skin.
Quote: "You impersonate a kindergarten teacher just once and suddenly you're the bad guy!"
|Location: Stow, OH|
Origin: Unsuccessfully ran for mayor.
Powers: Knowledge of the real mayor's schedule and security codes allows Night Mayor to rule the city's bureaucracy with an iron fist after 5:00 PM.
Weakness: Night Deputy Zoning Commissioner Earl Franklin.
Organization: Fun Run Charities International
Greatest Accomplishment: Removed the greatest evil the city had ever known: that stop sign over by the CVS.
Quote: "The real mayor may make the trains run on time, but the trains don't even run at all when Night Mayor's around!"
Origin: As a child, watched a single episode of Chip 'n Dale Rescue Rangers.
Powers: Can romance any medium-sized dog in three different dog languages known only by Doggrabber..
Weakness: The ASPCA, hoses.
Greatest Accomplishment: Dated The Bedtimer for three months just to get closer to her border collie, Sasha; today, they are married and enjoy an open relationship.
Quote: "Baby, I'm about to show you why I put the 'best' in bestiality. And the 'dog fucking' in 'Hey, that guy's fucking my dog!'"
The first phase of The Olive Garden's cyber rollout will introduce their Neverending Pneumatic Pasta Tube. This works on the same principal as bank drive-thru deposit tubes, but with unfrozen linguini and spaghetti.
Do you remember the crazy clothes and hair of the 1990s? Do you remember Crystal Pepsi and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Do you remember where you hid the box your mother gave you?
It's still okay to like Ben Stiller, guys.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.