The Crimson Scarlet
Location: Highland, UT
Origin: Raised by Mormons.
Powers: 30 years of reading Family Circle Magazine has given The Crimson Scarlet an immense knowledge of table setting ideas and Apple Brown Betty recipes.
Weakness: Her husband's other, prettier wives; leather bed restraints.
Organization: The Modern-Day Saints
Greatest Accomplishment: Was given special backyard privileges for stopping her menstrual cycle by sheer willpower alone.
Quote: "Villains, beware! I know where you sleep at night: my house."
|Location: Lawrence, KS|
Origin: Fell asleep in a giant bowl of Cheetos.
Powers: Can make any object translucent by merely rubbing it on his face.
Weakness: Litigation from Sam Raimi and Universal Pictures; constant beatings from random passersby.
Organization: Registered Sex Offenders
Greatest Accomplishment: Cooked up a batch of emergency French Fries using only the oil collected from his skin.
Quote: "You impersonate a kindergarten teacher just once and suddenly you're the bad guy!"
|Location: Stow, OH|
Origin: Unsuccessfully ran for mayor.
Powers: Knowledge of the real mayor's schedule and security codes allows Night Mayor to rule the city's bureaucracy with an iron fist after 5:00 PM.
Weakness: Night Deputy Zoning Commissioner Earl Franklin.
Organization: Fun Run Charities International
Greatest Accomplishment: Removed the greatest evil the city had ever known: that stop sign over by the CVS.
Quote: "The real mayor may make the trains run on time, but the trains don't even run at all when Night Mayor's around!"
Origin: As a child, watched a single episode of Chip 'n Dale Rescue Rangers.
Powers: Can romance any medium-sized dog in three different dog languages known only by Doggrabber..
Weakness: The ASPCA, hoses.
Greatest Accomplishment: Dated The Bedtimer for three months just to get closer to her border collie, Sasha; today, they are married and enjoy an open relationship.
Quote: "Baby, I'm about to show you why I put the 'best' in bestiality. And the 'dog fucking' in 'Hey, that guy's fucking my dog!'"
They told us to stop playing videogames on a school night. If only we'd ignored them.
As a vicious predator, I find that I have a constant, overwhelming urge to lick apples out of a huge block of ice. It's only, natural, right?
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