You don't need sun and beaches to get your party on, dudes! Under the gray sky of another Michigan autumn it's the scarlet and gray of Big Ten Michigan football that lights up the empty lives of these students. The faculty takes drinking seriously at the University of Michigan, distributing a ration of whiskey to every student every weekend. It's no surprise Michigan ranks second highest per capita in the world in deaths related to choking on vomit. It's only narrowly edged out by the oncology hospice in the Ukrainian village of Sversk located in the heart of the Chernobyl exclusion zone.
The best time to visit this party college is in the week leading up to their big game against the Ohio State Wolverines, Michigan's hated rivals. During this week the University of Michigan's fraternities and sororities celebrate Greek Star Wars, a dusk-to-dawn costume pageant.
Odd housing bylaws enacted to celebrate the release of Phantom Menace require that no two members of the Greek system dress as the same character. This has forced participants to dress as extremely obscure characters and made University of Michigan the place to be if you want to get date raped by Lt. Pol Treidum.
It's hard to imagine a more vibrant party college than LSU. As is the tradition throughout Louisiana, this party spot permits the owning of slaves. Rich fraternities control most of LSU's women and guns, although some sororities have banded together to establish a nihilistic military matriarchy that rules a housing district called P-town. All students attend a single six-hour super class held in the LSU sporting arena once every week.
Each schoolyear at LSU begins with the Grits Gresham Frosh Cotillion. Beers, brews, and babes are plentiful, but if you're a new freshman watch out! The Grits Gresham tradition is to wrestle (rassle!) all freshmen to the ground, pull out their pinky fingernails, and salt the raw nail beds with lye. The nails never grow back, giving all LSU alumni the traditional LSU crawdad claws.
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
It's just a little confusing, is all.
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