I've seen things you people wouldn't believe.

I've been Offworld to the frontiers.

I've stood on the back deck of a blinker bound for the Plutition Camps.

I've watched the fires of Prometheus being flung into the void.

Weyland-Yutani hog riggers doing thrust spins on a spaghetti nebula.

I've seen it. I've felt it. Big things. Crazy things. Unbelievable deals.

Fudgequakes at Nom Nom 9. Cool ice men in an ice city. A space snake. An asteroid shaped like a ball sack.

I genocided crab people on the moons of Andromeda.

I dropped nuclear fusion bombs on the mossy hill yurts of peaceful rabbit men on Agraria.

I watched good replicants die for oil profits.

I met a cholo implanted with a xenomorph egg tricking out a flying low rider.

I watched a sex replicant doing special horny moves that no human could ever achieve.

I've drained a big cyst like cottage cheese being scooped out of a meteor crater.

I went on an unconnected 3D IMAX adventure that favorably references China for international theatrical re-release.

I watched a cut of Robin Hood that wasn't worse than full body cancer.

I signed autographs for money and judged cosplay competitions in Hall C of OrionCon.

I smelled prequel before the opening credits.

All these things and more will be lost like tears in a toilet.

Flushed.

(Pantomimes flushing a toilet and makes flushing sounds)

Time to die.

But remember, I am a replicant, so there could be another one just like me coming in 2015's Blade Runner 2: Back to Bladesics.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • GLUT OF DOGS

    GLUT OF DOGS

    TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851

  • THE PERFECT HUMAN FORM

    THE PERFECT HUMAN FORM

    Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.

Copyright ©2016 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.