I've seen things you people wouldn't believe.
I've been Offworld to the frontiers.
I've stood on the back deck of a blinker bound for the Plutition Camps.
I've watched the fires of Prometheus being flung into the void.
Weyland-Yutani hog riggers doing thrust spins on a spaghetti nebula.
I've seen it. I've felt it. Big things. Crazy things. Unbelievable deals.
Fudgequakes at Nom Nom 9. Cool ice men in an ice city. A space snake. An asteroid shaped like a ball sack.
I genocided crab people on the moons of Andromeda.
I dropped nuclear fusion bombs on the mossy hill yurts of peaceful rabbit men on Agraria.
I watched good replicants die for oil profits.
I met a cholo implanted with a xenomorph egg tricking out a flying low rider.
I watched a sex replicant doing special horny moves that no human could ever achieve.
I've drained a big cyst like cottage cheese being scooped out of a meteor crater.
I went on an unconnected 3D IMAX adventure that favorably references China for international theatrical re-release.
I watched a cut of Robin Hood that wasn't worse than full body cancer.
I signed autographs for money and judged cosplay competitions in Hall C of OrionCon.
I smelled prequel before the opening credits.
All these things and more will be lost like tears in a toilet.
(Pantomimes flushing a toilet and makes flushing sounds)
Time to die.
But remember, I am a replicant, so there could be another one just like me coming in 2015's Blade Runner 2: Back to Bladesics.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.