Before I get to the list of the summer fashion trends you're sure to see in 2013, we should probably address the elephant in the room. Yes, it's a tiny bit late. It's practically still summer in some places, so everything here is 100% applicable and prescient. It's also always summer in the desert, so this is as timely as ever for nomadic desert dwelling tribes.
If you absolutely must know, I'll explain. Normally I would have written this before summer started, but I got pretty sick. The official diagnosis is extremely technical, but basically I accidentally inhaled too much dog breath and had to go to the hospital. There is an upper limit to how much dog breath the human body can take, and I exceeded that limit several times over.
I was in the hospital for a day and a half, or what felt like an eternity. I spent the following week recouping at home, planning to tackle my big summer listicle so we could soak up all that sweet listicle ad revenue. Unfortunately, just as things were looking good, I ended up back in the hospital for similar reasons that I need not explain.
The important thing is that, while slowly losing consciousness, I had time to check WebMD and discovered a whole bunch of other things wrong with me that I could have the doctors test for. That ate up most of a month, and obviously I was in no shape to do any strenuous listicle writing.
There is such a thing as inhaling too much secondhand dog breath and that was the reason for hospital visit #3. Anyway, not important.
After that, I inadvertently developed an irrational fear that if I went outside, I would swallow so many bugs I would die. I needed to keep my mind off the very real possibility of dying, so I spent a lot of time binging on synopses of all kinds of TV shows I've never seen. Before you judge: this was way more efficient than watching them. I'm not some loser with the free time to just watch 30 hours of TV in a week. I could read like a year's worth of TV in that time, and I did for several weeks.
Unfortunately, during one marathon summary sesh, I accidentally misplaced my Gunnar Optiks computer glasses. Naturally, this prevented me from looking at any screens or technology without putting my eyeballs in serious jeopardy. I wasn't willing to risk that, not even for all the listicle ad revenue in the world. That ate up the last of August and first part of September.
There is a medical disorder where you think your head is trapped in a plastic bag, and I had that three times. I'm trying to get it added to WebMD.
About six times I accidentally made a grocery list by mistake, and it took me several days to get things straightened out each time. I apologize if any food items still show up in the listicle. I've looked it over many times, so that absolutely should not happen.
This is going to sound weird, but somehow I convinced myself the number seven didn't exist, and this made it impossible for me to do a top ten list. After a lot of very difficult math, I managed to get the list up to 9.997, but that just didn't feel right. I'm better now, so this list definitely equals ten.
Finally, it's taken a long time to explain why this listcle is late. That's time that could have been spent polishing up the list and really making it great, but obviously you guys needed to know why I'm presenting it so late.
If I'm being completely honest, the only thing I have time for now is to just include the very rough notes I wrote down and hope they make sense to you. Because some of the dog breath I inhaled is still in my bloodstream, I'm suffering frequent and debilitating headaches whenever I try to concentrate. I passed out three times already just on this paragraph alone.
So, without further ado, here is my 10 Upcoming Summer Fashion Trends for 2013.
10. Arriving via rope ladder
9. Pre-ripped mom jeans
8. Wearing too many denim jackets at once
6.997. Karate belts with normal clothes
6. Popping out of a barrel and hollaring.
5. Food as fashion (resting sexy hoagie over shoulder, carrying ham under arm)
4. Mayor sash
3. Shrek Fashions / Fashions of Shrek (Shreks Appeal?)
2. Sour cream
1. Wearing backpacks in the front.
I'm just going to assume these speak for themselves. Have a great summer, everyone!
"Your left eye," the optometrist casually explained while blasting my face with a blue laser at point blank range, "is farsighted and shaped like an eyeball. The other eye is nearsighted and shaped like a football. Not even a good football."
Jeff Foxworthy has awakened to the new flesh to tell some redneck jokes.
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