Greetings loyal readers! In this issue of Bouquet-Humping Monthly we've sure got a challenge for you! Two single hunks at the peak of their talent spill their guts in their search for a special hubba-hubba-hubba, and you, fabulous reader, get to pick whichever fits your fancy. Are we crazy? You betcha! We've pitted Alex "Tweedle" Dunbar, the giant gentleman, against the pious Glen "The Good" Ridell. Good luck picking just one, you wonderful readers! Imagine the excitement, the anxiety, and the repetitive cleaning duties that you would have as Mrs. (or Mr.) Bouquet-humper. Wow! Zippy! Zonkomatic! Pin-up posters available on the back page! Please renew your subscription!
Alex Dunbar, 37
6'9", 214 lb
|Glen Ridell, 18|
5'7", 132 lb
|Rhubarb pie & story time||Likes||Silence & Book of Levitcus|
|Loud dogs & strawberry pie||Dislikes||Modern industry & machinery|
|Likes Bouquet-humping||Why Bouquet-humping?||A vision while fasting|
|His mother||Ideal Lover||Jesus (in manger)|
|Fancy Feast Classic Chicken||Favorite flavor|
of cat food
|Iams Adult Filets with|
Salmon in Sauce
Can tie own shoes, eventually
|Special Talent||Can befriend any animal|
& gut it within the hour
|Killed family dog||Dark Secret||Killed family|
|Thinks about Bouquet-humping|
before humping bouquet
|Focuses all evil & toxins|
within the body & directs
them to groin area
|Sparrows & any bird that|
fits in pocket
|Biggest Fear||Being caught in the rain wearing|
dry clean only wool sweater
|Incomplete skeleton of mother||Prized possession||Action Comics #252 VG-|
|"Give every boy, girl, & kitty-cat|
a big slice of rhubarb pie followed
by a nice long belly rub."
|How would you|
improve the world?
|"The Lord will come down, the sky|
darkens as he nears. Panic &
begging consumes the weak,
but He doles no mercy. Every
breath is stolen & mankind
suffocates in its own sin as He
descends back upon the land He
created. Those that listened &
loved will be led to a great Arcade
while all that remains upon this
cracked & scorched earth are
those that failed to follow the Holy
Demand to not curse in front of
Grandma & Grandpa"
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.