This article is part of the Busytown Police Blotter series.

Monday, July 3rd

An officer responded to a noise complaint in the 2100 block of Cantaloupe Ave in the Dumpling Valley Neighborhood. Neighbors complained that Mrs. Bunny was viewing TV well above acceptable noise limits. Officers on the scene reported that Mrs. Bunny's son, Little Bunny, had been naughty and turned the volume up too high. An officer assisted Mrs. Bunny in lowering the TV's volume and Little Bunny was sent to his room without supper.

Firefighters were called in to deal with a warehouse fire in the industrial district. Smokey, Busytown fire chief, was able to get the blaze under control but the damage to the warehouse was extensive. Further investigation suggested the fire was indeed arson, likely the work of the individual or individuals behind the ongoing string of arsons in Busytown. Any information pertaining to the arsons should be reported to authorities at once.

Bruno, proprietor of Bruno's Deli, called police to report a gaggle of loud mice children outside his place of business. When an officer arrived, he found many of the mice to be drinking alcoholic beverages. They quickly dispersed into small, dark holes. The alcohol containers were retrieved and disposed of. Bruno complained the children were an ongoing nuisance and requested that officers frequent his business more often as a deterrent.

Officers confiscated multiple fireworks that violated state laws from Busytown resident Huckle Cat. Huckle Cat had taken to a nearby field to light his contraband fireworks, causing some neighbors to complain about the disproportionate noise and light. When officers investigated, they found numerous fireworks that exceeded public safety regulations. Huckle Cat denied owning the fireworks but later confessed when officers found more in his backpack. He was fined and lectured on proper fireworks safety by officers.

Turnip Goat reported the theft of several hundred bananas from the back of her truck after she requested Bananas, a local gorilla, to watch them. Police were unable to locate Bananas, but witnesses reported seeing him flee the area with Huckle Cat and Lowly Worm. Officers are seeking the whereabouts of Bananas, Huckle Cat, and Lowly Worm for questioning in regards to the missing bananas.

Tuesday, July 4th

Several residents were arrested today when an anti-war protest shut down part of Tree Ave. Protesters chanted slogans, blocked traffic, and handed out leaflets urging the government to end the war. Miss Honey, local teacher and the demonstration's organizer, refused to comply with police demands, instead asking them to join in. Officers refused and placed her under arrest. Several protesters then attempted to impede the officers, and they were placed under arrest as well. Officers reported this to be the latest act of civil disobedience on the part of Miss Honey, still angry and distraught over the wartime death of her son. She was later released on $1,000 bail.

Bananas, wanted for questioning in regards to the missing bananas, turned himself in to police today and revealed to officers the location of the missing bananas, which he claimed to have found with the aid of Lowly Worm and Huckle Cat. Officers discovered the missing bananas unharmed and assisted Turnip Goat in recovering them. Bananas was released without any charges.

Officers providing security at the Busytown Park called in for backup when a fight broke out between Patrick Pig and Mr. Sweepy. The two argued and brawled, causing a considerable disturbance for the citizens gathered in the park to observe the best fireworks ever. No other injuries were reported and the malfeasant pair were taken into custody for drunken disorderly and disturbing the peace. Officers and citizens alike enjoyed no other disturbances during the 4th of July festivities at the park.

Paramedics responded to calls about a fireworks accident in the 200 block of Turtle St. EMTs on the scene reported finding Davy Dog severely injured and bleeding after he lit off several bottle rockets in his paw. He was taken to Busytown Hospital, where Dr. Lion issued him several band-aids to treat the wound.

Officers worked overtime to help clear out the traffic following the fireworks show at Busytown Park. The event dispersed at 10:30pm, and motorists flooded streets causing massive congestion for miles. The situation was hampered when Humperdink the Baker briefly lost control of some dough that rose too high and spilled out of his bakery onto the crowded streets. Goldbug was called in to help clean up the mess with his bulldozer and Humperdink did his best to make up for the blunder by offering free cupcakes to stuck motorists. After an hour of hard work, officers were able to get the streets clear of traffic and everyone home safely.

Wednesday, July 5th

Mr. Frumple, a large fat pig, reported to police that his hat had gone missing at the Busytown Park during the fireworks show. The hat, a tan fedora, reportedly blew off his head and disappeared into the crowd. Officers were unable to locate it and suggested Mr. Frumple purchase a new one, which he did under protest.

Captain Salty was arrested today for gross sexual imposition when he lured a young raccoon into his late 80's hatchback model carrot and molested him. The young raccoon was able to escape and tell authorities when Captain Salty went to purchase cigarettes from a nearby store. Nurse Nelly performed a rape kit on the boy and discovered his allegations were indeed true. Officers quickly located Captain Salty parked behind the Café Ole, where they found him in the midst of an autoerotic act. He was immediately taken into custody and is being held without bail.

Sgt. Murphy made a gruesome discovery in the unincorporated rail yards east of Busytown after following a tip from Oly Owl. The body of Hilda Hippo was found inside an abandoned train car, mutilated and bloody. The word "HIPPO" was carved in her chest and bruises indicate she died in a struggle. After an extensive study of the crime scene, authorities transported her body to the Busytown morgue where it awaits an autopsy by M.E. Diane. Detective Sniff has opened a full investigation and promises to find the culpret before he strikes again.

Numerous units responded to a distress call from officers driving a police pumpkin van transporting Mr. Fixit from the Busytown Appeals Court back to the correctional facility. A tiny yellow van driven by several masked bugs struck the pumpkin, puncturing it and allowing Mr. Fixit to escape. By the time backup arrived Mr. Fixit was nowhere to be found. EMTs arriving on scene treated the officers driving the pumpkin with band-aids, and Mistress Mouse towed the vehicle to her shop for repairs. Residents of Busytown are advised to remain alert and vigilant until Mr. Fixit is apprehended and report all suspicious activity to police immediately.

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • We Are Ready to Announce That Grimace is Human

    We Are Ready to Announce That Grimace is Human

    It's true. Grimace is human. God help us, we did our best for him.

  • Lair Flair!

    Lair Flair!

    Your lair. Maybe you lure victims to it, maybe you hide in it between killings, or maybe you haunt it 24/7 because you’re tragically confined by a curse. Whatever the situation, for most of us monsters, a living/un-living space is an important part of our identities. In this column, Monstergeddon award winners share their lair tips and techniques!

About this series

Your tax dollars at work! Keep up-to-date with Busytown's police and fire departments as they protect and serve their bustling community.

Other articles in this series

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.