This article is part of the Busytown Police Blotter series.
May 27, 2006:
Traffic officer reported busiest traffic jam ever at intersection of Main and Hippopotamus. Gridlock started when a peanut car stalled in the intersection and the elderly cricket driver was unable to restart the vehicle. Officer and several drivers assisted the elderly cricket in moving his vehicle to the side of the road, where it was then struck by an alligator car driven by a female rabbit. Officer reported smelling alcohol in the female rabbit's breath and placed her in handcuffs until backup arrived. Officers then cleared the jam with the aid of two tow trucks.
A suspicious feline driving a carrot was reported observing residents and houses in the Pickle Heights neighborhood. Officers responded but were unable to find the feline or the carrot.
Complaints of a crowd gathered at 2700 N. Tree Ave in front of the Café Ole. Officer reported finding one Mr. Rabbit cemented to the sidewalk. Mr. Rabbit, visibly distressed, was pleading to onlookers for help. Officer called in EMTs and firefighters to assist in Mr. Rabbit's removal and gave him a stern warning not to walk in wet cement again. A section of sidewalk remains closed for repairs.
A large fat pig called to complain that strong gusts of wind were continuously blowing his hat away. An officer who responded to the call witnessed first hand as the large fat pig's hat was blown asunder by wind. It was suggested that the large fat pig move to less windy pastures, which he did under protest.
Officers caught a peeping tom in the act in the 1500 block of Berry Lane. The perpetrator, identified as Huckle Cat, was leering into a second floor window by way of a ladder. The victim, Hilda Hippo, requested to file a restraining order and offered to "castrate the bastard myself," which officers promptly declined.
May 28, 2006:
One officer received minor injuries trying to arrest Busytown resident and farmer Patrick Pig for public intoxication. Patrick Pig shouted obscenities, made lewd gestures, and resisted all attempts at arrest. He was subdued with a taser and taken into custody. One other individual was struck repeatedly when he disagreed with Patrick Pig in a dispute over Irish politics. He was treated and released at Busytown Hospital.
Officers responded to reports of a domestic dispute in the 400 block of W. Apple St. Mrs. Hannibal complained to officers that her husband, Mr. Hannibal, called her "fat" and threw a chair at her. Mr. Hannibal had left before officers arrived, but was later found and taken into custody at a nearby bar. Mrs. Hannibal refused to press charges, and her husband was released.
Officers responded to two separate calls of home invasion and burglary in the Pickle Heights neighborhood. One of the homeowners saw the culprit, a cat burglar, make off with several small bags of jewelry and heirlooms in a rusty sedan-model carrot with out of state plates.
Numerous witnesses reported an incident of road rage on E. Brick St. Witnesses indicate that a motorist, identified as Lowly Worm, turned violent when a male raccoon backed into his apple car, causing severe blemishes. Lowly Worm, upset and agitated over losing his job earlier in the day, attempted to take his aggressions out on the raccoon. The raccoon defended himself, and inadvertently ripped Lowly Worm into two pieces. The bigger piece is being charged with attempted assault.
Several security officials at the Busytown Airport were suspended without pay when they neglectfully allowed a distraught Hilda Hippo to drive her bathtub onto a runway, causing multiple flights to be delayed until the area could be properly secured. Busytown police officers responded and reported Hilda Hippo to be under the influence of an unknown narcotic and took her to Busytown Hospital for observation. The NTSB is investigating the incident further.
Bruno's Deli proprietor Bruno called police to report a gaggle of mice children scaring off customers by speaking loudly about the Internet and shouting Internet slogans. When an officer arrived the children quickly scurried off into small, dark holes.
May 29, 2006:
Officers responded to a second domestic dispute call in the 400 block of W. Apple St. Mrs. Hannibal had severed her husband's trunk, leaving him lying bloody and despondent on the kitchen floor. Officers tried to assist, at which point he charged up and out of the premises naked and bleeding. Officers were able to restrain him after he became entangled in a ladder that was being used by a repairman servicing a streetlight. The repairman, who had grabbed hold of the light when the ladder fell, was helped down and resumed his work. Surgeons at Busytown Hospital were able to reattach the trunk. Mrs. Hannibal was taken into custody and formal charges are pending.
Smokey the firefighter responded to a call in the 1400 block of Turtle St, where a three-story cottage was burning. The fire was put out after two hours of work on the part of Smokey and his firefighters. A subsequent investigation revealed arson, with characteristics that match a string of recent arsons throughout Busytown. Residents are advised to be mindful and check that smoke detectors are operating properly. Any information regarding the arson or arsonist should be reported to authorities at once.
A Pickle Heights resident shot an intruder three times, paralyzing him. The intruder, a male feline, struck at the early morning hours, apparently expecting the house to be empty. The resident, police officer Sgt. Murphy, ordered the perpetrator to surrender. The perpetrator instead attempted to flee with Sgt. Murphy's DVD player in tow. Murphy fired four shots, three hitting the suspect in the back and spinal column. Sgt. Murphy is on a paid leave of absence pending a department investigation.
Three people were taken to the hospital following a traffic accident at 340 W. Dumpling Rd. Mr. Frumble, driving a late 90s model pickle, careened into opposing traffic, striking an unidentified female octopus driving a roller skate. A third vehicle driven by a male panda, also unidentified as of this writing, was unable to stop in time and struck the pickle. Mr. Frumble miraculously suffered only minor injuries, but the other drivers remain in critical condition at Busytown Hospital. Mr. Frumble, who suffers from diabetes, claims to have blacked out behind the wheel.
All officers responded to reports of gunshots emanating from the Town Hall Clock Tower. All totaled, ten people were shot, six killed, when Mr. Fixit, longtime Busytown businessman, took to the tower with a high powered assault rifle and began firing on citizens. Mr. Fixit, disturbed and troubled after finding out his wife was having an affair, was stopped when Captain Chubby stealthily made his way to the top of the tower and shot him once in the muzzle. Fellow officers quickly made their way to the top and assisted in Mr. Fixit's arrest and transport to Busytown Hospital, where he remains in critical condition. The names of the victims are being withheld until all families have been notified.
You Will Read This Headline. Then You'll Laugh. Then You'll Realize You Were Wrong All Along.
'We’re going to be in trouble!' Little Sister wailed, clutching her favorite book to her chest and sobbing. 'This isn’t fun like a story anymore!' But Big Sister was not listening, she was thinking. She grabbed Little Sister’s book from her and ran into town, yelling 'Help! A book made me and my sister hurt someone!'
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
Your tax dollars at work! Keep up-to-date with Busytown's police and fire departments as they protect and serve their bustling community.