Another lonely night?Are you alone? Lacking confidence? Misogynist? Poorly-dressed? Broke? Terrified of women? Do you panic in social situations? Are you a shrill, greasy nebbish with nothing to offer a sane woman except unreasonable sexual demands and the occasional couchbound evening of watching Doctor Who and eating mustard straight from the jar with a five-cent comb?
What would you say if I told you that you could, right now, even as we speak, be strutting around town with a gorgeous woman on each arm? I will momentarily pardon and entertain your disbelief, squire. How could a nobody like you hope to entertain even one woman, much less two or more? How could such a dismal effort at humanity even speak to a woman without getting his acne slapped off? The answer is simple: The Dave Thorpe Dating Theory.
For over three and a half weeks, The Dave Thorpe Dating Theory (TDTDT for short, or just DTDT, or in some sectors, “The Megamethod”) has been the foremost dating and relationship guide on the internet. By taking in TDTDT’s advice on the ancient art of the pick-up, you shall never again want for female company, even if you’ve had little or no luck in the past. That is The Dave Thorpe Guarantee™ (TDTG™).
Step One: Confidence!
Believe in Yourself!Confidence is not merely your attitude toward yourself, it is also your attitude toward women. Before you can get out of the house and start possessing and discarding every woman you lay your eyes upon, you must inflate your own ego to ridiculous proportions while at the same time whittling away your opinion of women until you see them as nothing more than cairns of painted stones.
You can never impress a woman if you don’t impress yourself. By memorizing the following simple principles, even a pathetic creature like you can shake off his crippling social anxiety and fear of rejection. Once these four principles have been fully internalized, you will be ready to delude yourself into believing that you are worthwhile to women!
Principle One: You Are Great
Sure, you may be a shambling, sloth-like virgin, but it’s not your fault that women have thus far failed to love you. It is the fault of the absence of TDTDT in your life. It is also the fault of women, who are too stupid to realize how great you are. You are a desirable specimen of maleness, and you are entitled to any woman in the world. Any rejections you have suffered in the past are due to women failing to recognize your genius.
Principle Two: Women Owe You Sex
At the dawn of man, Eve was created from one of Adam’s ribs. This means two things: first of all, men were here first, and therefore we own the place and we make the rules. Secondly, women owe their existence to men, despite this jive they try to lay on us about being the mystical mothers of the earth and whatnot. Women are still paying off this biblical debt to us, so any woman who refuses your masculine advances will go to hell. Don’t be shy about reminding them!
Principle Three: Women Don’t Care How You Look
It is a little-known fact that women are far more impressed with confidence than they are with physical attractiveness. Don’t sweat it if you’re no Valentino; as long as you exude an air of smugness and self-satisfaction, women will literally eat out of your hand. In fact, you might as well not even hold yourself to a minimum standard of public presentability. Showing up to a nightclub filthy and unshaven in an open bathrobe just proves that you are too confident to care about your appearance. Combing your hair with the same comb that you use for eating mustard will give you a roguish, shabby quality. Women will be intrigued!
Principle Four: Women Are Not Complicated
It’s an oft-repeated stereotype that men are simple and women are complicated. Untrue! Many men think of women as pianos: beautiful, expensive, and difficult to play. In fact, just the opposite is true: women are like harmonicas— you simply blow in one end and sound comes out the other! A woman is basically made up of two parts: the head part, containing the sense receptors which allow her to be impressed by your confidence, and the lady part, which is the part you get to interact with once you’ve properly impressed her head part (they have a third part, the hair, which is largely irrelevant to the dating process).
Step Two: Speaking to Women
Speaking with WomenNow that your spirit has been invigorated with misbegotten confidence, it is time to start talking to women. Don’t be nervous! If you stammer and stutter and use the words “and stuff,” women will instantly place you in the “friend category,” which means that they will never speak to you again. Within two seconds of seeing you, a woman already knows whether or not she will ever date you, so your best bet is to make those two seconds as intriguing or enjoyable for her as possible. Remember to always sneak up on women; otherwise, they might spot you and decide not to date you before you can wow them with confidence.
Principle One: Your “Game Name”
A man cannot attract women if he has an unattractive name. Since the first step in meaningful interaction with any new woman is a simple introduction, you must ensure that she does not giggle at your name. If you happen to be burdened with a particularly dull name like Donald Hockenberry or even an abjectly humiliating one like Tad Coward, feel free to embellish your name a little. When coming up with your “Game Name,” try to make it a subconscious reference to your physical endowments or your sexual expertise. Try the following on for size:
Dick Prowess Peter Largest Stone Bonner Hugo Rodney
Now that your introduction has raised a few eyebrows and perhaps incited a few gasps, it’s time to move on to the most important element of seducing women.
Principle Two: The Pick-up Line
The best way to dazzle a woman into tolerating you is with a clever pick-up line. When most people think of pick-up lines, they imagine corny come-ons like “you must be an angel, because you are invited to my pants.” While there is a time and a place for such banter, TDTDT conforms to the more subtle view that everything you say to a woman until you have sex with her is a pick-up line. The key to talking to women is to present yourself as a mysterious, confident, and appealing individual. Here are some proven-effective pick-up lines to try out during your next babe encounter:
At a bar or nightclub, bump right into a woman and knock the drink out of her hand. When she objects, look right past her and say “I’m trained not to see beautiful women, because they might distract me from my mission.” This sounds mysterious! Who trained you? Are you a spy? Is she involved in a mysterious rendezvous with a suave secret agent? She’ll want to know more, and it’s also a great opportunity to buy her a new drink. Women love sensitive men, but that doesn’t mean you should be a mushy crybaby. Tell her something emotionally vulnerable, but do so in a masculine and assertive way. For example, you might say “you remind me of my dead mother, but you’ve got bigger breasts.” Women love men with a good sense of humor! Making a joke at a woman’s expense is the perfect way to showcase your natural charisma while retaining the upper hand. Beware: if you make a joke about something that a woman is insecure about, like her weight, she may just think you’re a jerk! Instead, think of something wrong with her that she might not even know about, like her lumpy shoulders or her mule-like laugh. Pick-up lines from classic literature show a woman that you’re a cultured gentleman. Avoid using lines from Shakespeare, as it may be considered pretentious and effete. Instead, consider reciting this classic erotic invitation from Harper Lee’s To Kill a Mockingbird: “Come here, nigger, and bust up this chiffarobe. I got a nickel for you.”
At this point, unless you’re doing something entirely idiotic, you should have a woman’s rapt attention. Now comes the tricky, secret bit!
Principle Three: Ignoring Her
After you’ve instilled a woman with a sense of awe about your greatness, make an excuse to leave her for a while. Find a location which affords a good view of your quarry, park yourself there, and studiously ignore her. Try to discreetly determine whether she is occasionally glancing at you (in order to do this, you may have to stare at her, which is tricky to do while ignoring her). The objective is to make her realize how empty and uncomfortable she feels without you; it also proves to her that you are better than her, and can easily run off and forget about her on a whim. Ignoring a woman is a key factor in asserting your dominance early in the game. Remember that women are attracted to males with power and status, and paying attention to a woman only serves to bring you down to her level. “If he is willing to debase himself by giving me, a lowly woman, the time of day,” she might say, “he is surely not a male with power and status.”
Make sure to ignore her for at least half an hour. If she leaves while you are still ignoring her, follow her while continuing to ignore her. After she has begun to panic about your absence, return to her and begin to stimulate her sensual cues.
Principle Four: A Woman’s Sensual CuesTouching WomenThe science of attracting women is no mystery. Women have inbuilt cues and triggers which can be manipulated at will by anybody willing to take the time to learn TDTDT. Careful management of the sensual cues will show a woman that you are a sexual being, and therefore she will not put you in the dreaded and inescapable “friend category,” where you will forever languish unlaid, suffering the tedious friendship of the inferior sex.
Sensual Cue #1: Touch Stimulus
Though their brains are less developed than those of men, women are blessed with central nervous systems comparable to ours. As such, classy touching of a woman’s sensitive areas during conversation can catapult you into the stratospheres of guaranteed non-friendship. Do not be too forward with your groping and probing; only attempt to stimulate a woman by touch if you have built up an acceptable comfort level. Here are some gentle and inoffensive ways to touch a woman:
Brush her hair back if it falls into her eyes, or if she is vomiting. Lean past her to signal the bartender and scratch her face with your stubble. Grasp and claw at her knees while telling an interesting anecdote. Punch any man who tries to talk to her, and graze her with your fist as you do so. Blow your nose in her hair.
Above all, be classy. While staring at a woman’s bosom during conversation may be acceptable, seizing it without asking permission is not!
Sensual Cue #2: Male Musk
“Musk” is the scent that accumulates in bureau drawers and wardrobes in poorly-ventilated rooms due to dampness and an accumulation of mold spores. Make sure to wear clothes that have been put away in moldy drawers for at least three months before going out and engaging women in TDTDT seduction. Accumulating a proper musk can provoke violent sneezing in some particularly allergic women, and scientists have often told us that a sneeze is somewhat like a less powerful orgasm. It’s practically foreplay!
Sensual Cue #3: The Smooth Voice
No man can be a true Casanova without carefully cultivating his Smooth Voice. Luckily, you may have practiced it already without knowing it. Have you ever, in the comfort of your own home, spoken for extended periods of time in your “Darth Vader Voice?” This is exactly the same as the Smooth Voice. Simply make your voice as low and booming as possible and affect a vaguely British accent. Breathe heavily, and speak in a slow and deliberate cadence as if ordering the destruction of a planet. If anyone asks you why you are speaking this way, order their destruction.
Step Three: Breaking Up with Women
If you have followed the preceding steps properly, you are reading this document after having sexual intercourse with a woman, and you are now wondering how to ensure that you never have to see her or speak with her again. Much like every word you speak to a woman prior to having sex with her is a pick-up line, every word you speak to a woman after you have sex with her is a break-up line.
After committing a sex act, women often believe that it is tacitly assumed that you have entered a relationship with them. Sometimes you will get lucky, particularly if you are quite bad at having sex, and a woman will abandon this assumption and leave you alone immediately. However, in most cases it will be necessary to break up with a woman in order to avoid becoming entangled in a relationship. Relationships are the enemy of TDTDT, because they forbid you from advancing up the attractiveness ladder until you have eventually bedded The Most Attractive Woman in the World, after which it is safe to either enter a relationship or die. If you get particularly lucky and wind up having sex with The Most Attractive Woman in the World your first time out, feel free to skip this next section and attempt to impregnate her or kill yourself, or both, or vice versa.
There are three ways to break up with women; all of them are equally effective. The choice is yours:
The BreakupMethod #1: Passive Aggressive
Attempt to make both her and yourself as miserable as possible until she decides to leave you. The advantage to this is that since you’re the one who was dumped, you can play it for sympathy with your friends and family, and you might even be able to wheedle out of work for a day or two if your boss is the caring sort. The disadvantage is that this process can take up to fifty years and often involves marriage.
Method #2: The Direct Approach
Although it can be difficult to say, it is possible to simply tell a woman that you have broken up with her and leave it at that. She will have little recourse for refusal. The advantage is that it is immediate and very difficult to misunderstand. The disadvantage is that it doesn’t work if you’re a coward, which you probably are.
Method #3: Lying
If I had to endorse only one method of breaking up, it would almost certainly be this one. Not only is this a great way to end a relationship, but it is also a perfect opportunity to work on your “lying game,” which can be very useful in crafting pick-up lines. It is also fairly fool-proof, since the worst that can happen if she catches on to your lie is that she will break up with you. To exercise this option, simply make up a reason why you can’t see her ever again. Here are some examples:
My home planet needs me. I am moving to a country where women are illegal. I am about to die (as soon as I hang up the phone). I intend to have sex with other women (not necessarily a lie). You tried to kill me in your sleep. I won the lottery and you are no longer good enough for me.
Congratulations, child. You are now equipped to bed and discard each and every woman in the entire world, with time and the ravages of age being the only objects to this goal.
You say collaboration like it's a bad word.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.