You just want to buy a stick of butter for your family. Unfortunately, there are so many buzzwords and misleading labels and confusing sexual signals that your head gets to spinning. You're left in the fetal position in the dairy aisle, your nose bleeding, a cell phone in your hand as you whisper to your family that there will not be dinner tonight or ever again.

We've all been there. It seems like the butter companies are doing everything they can to mislead customers. You deserve better. Your family deserves better. It's time for someone to clear the issue up.

Easy To Grab

You find yourself in a fracas. Within moments this melee will turn into a brawl. You reach for a stick of butter to defend yourself, and it slips out of your hands, leaving you completely defenseless. A biker runs you through with an ear of corn, your guts flying everywhere. This is what happens when you don't buy butter that's been rated Easy To Grab. Don't skimp out. Buy the Easy To Grab butter. Even if you don't think you'll need it, it just might save your life.

Easy To Hold

Unlike Easy To Grab butter, this variety is specially designed to be cradled against your body. It will not melt as you hold it to your breast for hours on end. The built-in handles make this the perfect butter to hold during a marathon, or a day-long trip to the beach. Many people find it hard to let go of this butter once they've held it. And why should they let go? It makes them a better person. They're happier. Their thoughts are clearer. Maybe the people telling them to drop the butter are just jealous. Maybe those people secretly want the butter for themselves. Of course. It all makes sense now. They were never really your friends. The only friend you need is the butter.

More Buttery

This label is the butter industry's way of denoting butter that has dangerous amounts of poison.

Chock Full O' Bones

The standard process of making butter ("buttermaking" to those in the industry) involves multiple filtering processes that remove almost all of butter's naturally occurring bones while removing various contaminants. When you buy a stick of butter that has been labeled as Chock Full O' Bones, it has been similarly filtered, but the bones have been set aside then added back into the butter in the final step before packaging. The result is a rich, flavorful butter that contains all the bones you want without containing any of the veins that you don't want.

Easy To Yell At

Due to its unique concave shape, this butter is specially designed to catch soundwaves. Not just any soundwaves, mind you, but those produced by a human being yelling and hollering and generally losing their shit. You will not find another butter that can hold up to hours of sustained yelling. Unless you visit certain illegal clubs in Thailand, that is. Save yourself the trip and a possible stint in prison.

Refurbished

When a stick has been sold to a customer, returned, then repackaged for sale it is refurbished. This may not seem like the ideal way to purchase butter. Keep in mind, however, that the refurbishment inspection process at most butter companies is quite rigorous. Butter will not be repackaged for sale if it has been eaten entirely, turned into gold through some sort of alchemy, or cursed by a virgin witch. Buying refurbished butter is a great way to get your daily recommended serving of butter while saving cash. Just scrape off the saliva, pluck away and loose hairs, and enjoy!

Good For Suckin'

If you see this label, you know that a stick of butter is prime suckin' material. Do not bake with this butter. Do not spread this butter. Do not use this butter in a heated pan to keep other food from sticking. This butter is good for one thing and one thing only: Suckin'.

Threshold Safe

This butter can be carried across practically any threshold. You can enter a house, walk through an airport security checkpoint with it, and even take it in and out of a car. Please note, however, that federal regulations do not require "Threshold Safe" butter to be tested for the ability to be carried into a church.

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.