Hello extras!

If you're reading this, it means the man we pay to cycle the tater tots at the craft services chafing station is capable of handing out more than just your three allotted ketchup packets per day. That said, we hope you have a wonderful time milling about in the background of The Exit Wounder, which is sure to delight moviegoers next summer, and give millions of airplane passengers something to distract themselves with after they're done making fun of the SkyMall catalog. As an extra, working with one of America's favorite action stars for 40 years running may have you feeling intimidated; after all, Mr. Stallone has shown the world that he can successfully adapt to any genre, from comedy (Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot) to romance (F.I.S.T.) to punching (The Rockies). But there's no need to worry about standing slightly behind a star of such caliber, so long as you follow these simple and mandatory commands. Doing so will ensure that every morning at 4:00 you'll walk away from the set happy, healthy, and ten dollars richer.

  • Nicknames may be an easy way to let someone know you're on friendly terms, but under no circumstances are you to call Mr. Stallone "The Italian Stallion." Contrary to what you may have heard, this unfortunate slur is not related to Mr. Stallone's ethnic background or equine physique, but rather the three quarts of horse semen he must consume daily to maintain his aggressive testosterone levels. The studio would rather this fact remain an outlandish rumor, like Richard Gere's gerbil thing or Mike Tyson's hollow leg filled with ancient Roman coins.
  • Avoid making eye contact with Mr. Stallone whenever possible. Please note that this is in no way related to how much money he has compared to you; Mr. Stallone's lizard brain actively destroyed most of his frontal lobe thanks to a virus found only in great apes he paid top dollar for. Locking eyes may make him view you as a possible predator, or a stealer of his mate. Note that the release form you signed prevents any lawsuits if Mr. Stallone tears you apart and hangs your limbs from tree branches as a display of aggression.
  • If you find fleshy, goo-filled wrappings somewhere on the set, odds are they won't be the famous "squibs" that once simulated gunshots before our industry turned to computers for creating the simplest of natural effects. Thanks to his accelerated muscle growth, Mr. Stallone needs constant skin grafts to prevent any sort of fatal accident caused by biceps or pectorals bursting through his taut, leathery flesh. Please return any stray bits to the "skin bin" located adjacent to the on-set first aid tent.

  • "What's the deal with the shaved Bornean orangutan wandering around the set?" A common question from those working on a project with Mr. Stallone. Thanks to our star's accelerated fitness routine and advanced age, he requires 22 hours or cryo-sleep in his hermetic tube every day, which means that Mr. Freckles tends to take his place for any shots that don't require close-ups. Since Cop Land, few critics have been able to tell the difference, and have even praised Mr. Freckles on his diction and poise. We ask that you keep this an industry secret.
  • It's rare, but Mr. Stallone may mumble to you in a manner that bad stand-up comedians have mocked since the late 1970s. In the event of the on-set interpreter's absence, simply nod politely as if you have understood a single word of Mr. Stallone's generous helping of vowels. The results are usually positive, and this technique even managed to land our star his third wife, who he still mumbles at to this very day with varying degrees of success.
  • Asking Mr. Stallone to sign a personal item is strictly forbidden, as it reminds him that his hands have transformed into misshapen lumps that resemble Vienna sausages stuffed into a tiny can. We instead request that you ask him to "rubber stamp" those DVD copies of Tango & Cash and Assassins, as even the simplest hand tools have been unusable to him since 1987.
  • Above all else, have fun! It isn't often that regular people get to see first-hand how the power of money can make an action star viable well into his late 70s. Just be sure to steer clear of the unexplained sulfurous fog that mysteriously wafts from his pores on a near-constant basis.

– Terminal Pictures

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.