Cover Story: Lunar Living?

The perpetual darling of all moons finds itself in the spotlight once again. It seems that those pesky humans of the planet Earth are finally waking up to the big picture. "The Moon is where it's at," say the meek humans, hoping to establish a permanent presence on their planet's lonely satellite.

"To be honest, I don't care for them," replied the Moon in an unusually candid interview. "For as long as I've been watching over them, they've tried to make me into something I'm not. It's ridiculous, really. These are creatures that truly believed I was made out of cheese."

For humans, the Moon is the first step to conquering other planets, such as nearby Mars. The Moon, however, is skeptical of mankind's footing. "I don't see us as being all that compatible. I don't really do the whole atmosphere thing. I don't think they are committed to this at all."

Why so cynical, Mr. Moon? "It's a human question really, so I'll put it in human terms. If you blow your chances with the hot chick, that ugly, scarred acne-covered girl suddenly doesn't look so bad. That's all I am to them. They're blowing their chances with their planet, and now they think, 'the moon's not so bad. Maybe we can score with the moon.' It's really kind of pathetic when you get down to it."

Still, the Moon will welcome its human visitors. "I'm not going to roll out the red carpet or anything, but they can stop by if they want. They did awhile back and it was kind of cute. They were so serious about it. What is it they called it? 'One giant leap for mankind' I think. It was pretty funny, since all they really did was walk around for a short while and then run back home."

"If the Moon can start hosting life, then there is hope for all of us." -Calisto
Many moons in the solar system were quick to chime in with comments. Titan, known for its outspoken demeanor, was all too eager to downplay the Moon's popularity. "Earth's moon is nice but its many craters may not appeal to all but the most die hard of moon enthusiasts." Puck was quick to defend the Moon, however. "From a purely aesthetic viewpoint it leaves a lot to be desired, but if you look a little below the surface there is much character to be found."

Rhea had the harshest comments of all. "If not for the humans, nobody would even care about the Moon. Because they exist, it gets to be the original. Was it here first? Right place, right time, that's the Moon's sole claim to fame."

Controversies aside, the Moon's gravity seems to have captured everyone's imaginations. "I'm pulling for the Moon," says Calisto. "If the Moon can start hosting life, then there is hope for all of us."

Mooners and Shakers

Everyone is buzzing about Proteus' sudden wealth. Proteus has been working hard to shed its boring image as "Neptune VIII" and seems to be on the fast track to becoming a galactic player. Experts agree, "Proteus has spending power. Not long ago no one knew anything about Proteus, now everyone is talking. It's Proteus this, Proteus that! Proteus is definitely the new moon to watch!"

Charon has had a rough time recently with the sudden reversal of its master's status as a planet. Sources close to the "moon" suggest that Charon recently checked into a rehab clinic for Kuiper belt objects.

Io seems to have gossip hounds trapped in orbit. For billions of years now, everyone has been remaking about Io's constantly changing shape. "Io's a joke," says Triton. "Talk about caving into peer pressure. One moment Io is trying to please its planet, the next it is caving into pressure from Europa and Ganymede." The gravitational forces at work have left Io with a bit of an identity crisis. "People already make fun of Io's appearance," adds Oberon. "Pizza face, they call you. The changing figure sure doesn't help things. Baby, I don't think you understand the gravity of the situation. Learn to keep your figure and let that glow sell your body. Baby, you've got an electricity about you. Work that!"

Europa appears smooth and friendly at first glance, but closer inspection reveals a moon in need of an attitude adjustment. Moon Beat has tried repeatedly to interview Europa, but it always gives us the cold shoulder. Makes you wonder, how can one body get so frigid?

"You dream of getting to orbit a planet, and then the planet just treats you like a no good whore. Flaunts you around like a piece of jewelry, then tears you to pieces." -243 Ida
Word around the solar system is that Phobos is headed off the deep end. "Phobos has never been all that stable," says friend Deimos. "Phobos is being awfully self destructive. It's only a matter of time before things get really bad. You just can't maintain an orbit like that for long." 243 Ida, an old friend of Phobos, was also alarmed by the ailing moon's behavior. "I haven't spoken to Phobos in a couple thousand years, and frankly I'm worried. From what I can see, Phobos is locked into a suicide orbit around that dumb planet Mars. I've seen it happen before and it breaks my heart every time. You dream of getting to orbit a planet, and then the planet just treats you like a no good whore. Flaunts you around like a piece of jewelry, then tears you to pieces. I think at this point Phobos is just waiting to die. But you know what, there is a reason to keep going. I hope Phobos figures that out before its too late."

Satellite Love

Pull Me In
Small 2bil yr old moon seeks similar moon for orbiting and more.

Tight orbits
I like nice tight orbits. I wanna break up and explode into your atmosphere. Make me cum apart for you.

Just Looking for a Few Orbits
Large, several billion years old, been burned a lot. Just looking for a few brief orbits, nothing too emotional or complicated.

Bodies in motion
Looking for an older planet to orbit. I'm dedicated and loyal, in good shape, stay geophysically active. Let me rise in your east and set in your west. I'll move your tides just right.

Tired of Elliptical Dating?
Tired of moons that get close, then instantly pull away? I want a long-term tight circular orbit, always the same distance, always the same level of commitment.

Be My Sex Dwarf
Medium sized moon (about 100km & very hard) looking for discrete orbiting. I have a dwarf fetish so no fatties.

Hottest Moon of the Month

Io may well be below freezing on average, not to mention the solar system's ugly duckling, but this moon knows a thing or two about turning up the heat. Its numerous volcanoes spit out lava at temperatures as high as 3100 degrees Fahrenheit. Talk about a hot time! Io is positively scorching!

Props to Shmorky for the exciting illustrations!

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff and Tom "Moof" Davies (@Livestock)

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