Mr. Louis Wain does not to eat cats no Sir that would be quite improper.
Today I would like to begin with a brief history of a place which I like to call "England" because that is what it is called and if I called it anything else then that would miss the point entirely. England was created in 1728 by a crazy old French scientist who made dinosaurs from a dead bee but the dinosaurs broke down the fence and roamed the land for fifty years until they all eventually drowned while trying to swim to Ireland to see a Cher concert. Or something like that. As I think I have mentioned before I did not learn a lot from high school history lessons but you probably do not remember me saying that or even care that I said that because to be honest if you have got this far reading this crap you must be so high on methane or ethanol and are probably only reading this because it has awesome cat pictures that are like, crazy, man, and everyone likes cats.
Some people like cats more than others and that is where my wonderful story is taking me. It was in England around the year 1880 that a man named Louis Wain began to draw cats. He liked cats so much that he drew a lot of cats, and he kept drawing cats. He never stopped drawing cats and he would dream of drawing cats and one day all his cats looked at him and said "You are crazy." He had to agree, because he was indeed as crazy as a muffin with legs that can talk.
This is the cat I drew. He is called Captain McStripelsby and is quite the gentleman!
What is interesting is that as he turned crazy, his cat drawings changed from normal looking, sane cats (similar to the one on the left but obviously not as good) to crazy insane psychedelic cat-plant things. It is this discovery that has led me to develop my very own psychological test which can be used to assess the sanity of any person. If you do not mind I would like to use you, my readers today, as guinea pigs for my system because let's face it there are a lot of crazy people in the world and a lot of them are on the Internet and so it is very likely that you are fruit-loopy insane. All I ask of you, dear friends, is to draw a cat. It can be any cat - an angry cat, a happy cat, a fat cat, a small cat, a man cat, or a pretty lady cat. It just has to be a cat. When you are done we will compare what you have drawn to Louis Wain pictures painted at various stages of his schizophrenia. This will allow us to judge just how crazy you really are.
Please draw your cat now.
Okay good work. Take a look at your cat drawing and if you would like you can name it something like "Professor Meow" or "Frogbert" but that would be a stupid name. You may also print it out if you would like and put it on your fridge or frame it, honestly it is up to you. Please look at your cat and compare it with those listed below, all painted by Mr. Louis Wain. When you find the one that looks the most similar to yours, you may exclaim "Ah-ha!" and read the description. I think you will be surprised! If you did not draw a cat then frankly I am disappointed and I would like to bid you good day but I cannot because this is the Internet and I do not own the Internet, Nintendo does.
The Normal CatWould you care for some.... tea... yes... delicious tea....
Okay so maybe this cat is not totally one-hundred percent normal, but it looks like a cat and smells like a cat and as far as Wain's paintings go this is pretty much the closest you can get to a normal cat. If your cat looks anything like this one then it may be possible that you are a normal, healthy individual. Although this is a possibility, I must stress that I am by no means a licensed doctor and so it is entirely likely that I am wrong and that you are a crazy batty freak. Here are a few other clues to look for that may suggest you are not insane:
You have strong personal relationships which are are not based around fear.
You have strong personal relationships in which the other person is not a plant or a rock.
There is actual evidence to suggest that your perception of reality is actual reality.
The house that you currently live in is not occupied by hundreds of beehives or geese.
The Slightly Paranoid CatHello cat how are you today oh I am sorry to hear that.
If your cat looks more like this one on the left, you may have something to worry about. He looks kind of normal but you can tell there is something wrong, something not quite right, and you are probably the same way. Sure, you may only be a little loopy now but it will not be long until you are a complete psychopath, and trust me I should know. If you are not certain that this is the category you fit in, please check answer the questions below. If you reply with "yes" to two or more of them then you are a fruitcake and do not try and deny it.
Do you sing to old ladies on busses?
Do you consider the words "friend" and "moon" to be synonymous?
Is your house either a box or a dumpster?
Is everything made out of apples?
Did you vote for Arnold Schwarzenegger?
The Crazy CatI think this cat may be be electrocuted or on fire or possibly there was an electrical fire?
Okay this is when it starts to get scary. If the picture you drew looks anything like Mr. Crazy Wain's here on the left then I am afraid you are crazier than a nun full of mice. Frankly if I was in your position I would seek immediate help from either a doctor or an exorcist or if you are a manatee then find a vet, pronto. If you are in a state of denial and refuse to believe me despite my obvious credentials then please consult the list below for other symptoms.
You like to walk around cities naked shouting at skyscrapers.
You have a strong feeling that someone is watching you and that it is actually yourself that is watching you because you are also a beautiful eagle.
You frequently attend baseball games just to imagine that the spectators are all bees and you are their queen bee.
You mention bees or beehives too many times when you write for a humor website.
The Batshit Insane CatKitty????
I really really hope that you did not draw anything like the picture on the left. Are you sure you were trying to draw a cat, and not a flame-beast? Are you sure you know what a cat looks like (it does not look like a flame-beast). If you really did try and draw a cat and this is what you looked like then I am sorry but you should not be using a computer at all. If you have escaped from some kind of mental institution then please stay the hell away from me I do not care where you go but not near here I am begging you. Go to Mexico or somewhere. Please ask yourselves the questions below and have a good think at the answers and maybe think about your life and what it means to you before making any decisions.
Are there sirens outside?
Is this even your house?
Oh God, why?
I hope this has helped. As I mentioned earlier, I am no doctor and I cannot be held responsible for anything that happens as a result of your amazing voyage of self-discovery. I hope you have been able to see yourselves in a new light, albeit for many of you it will be the dim haze of fluorescent state institution lighting. I myself have discovered many new things about myself, mostly that I draw a pretty awesome cat and that if I sit in front of a computer and type for long enough my keyboard starts to make a squeaky sound.
There's no easy way to put this, so I'll tell it like it is. Bouillon is died. He went missing before the weekend and yesterday I found his skeletonized remains at the bottom of the #3 soup vat during one of my swims. I thought the cream of mushroom soup had an especially nourishing taste, and a lot more clumps of fur and skin than usual.
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