The Computer Age Has Officially Arrived
What is the CD-ROM?
A platter that fits in the palm of your hand, made of space age polymers and a sheet of reflective aluminum so thin you could lay it down on top of one sheet of paper and then lay another sheet of paper on top of it.
No longer restrained to simply holding music like old fashioned CDs, the CD-ROM is an innovative marvel capable of containing data, video, audio, numbers, files, words, and stunningly life-like video games like this:
All this is accessed with an ultra powerful laser - just like the lasers in your favorite sci-fi movies!
Practically Infinite Storage Space
A CD-ROM has enough space to hold a whopping 650 megabytes of data. To put that into perspective, you would need to hold the "A" key on your keyboard long enough to fill 162,500 pages before the text document hit the 650 megabyte mark.
This nearly unlimited storage capacity opens up a world of possibilities.
Imagine being able to purchase a single disc containing a fully operational copy of the Netscape Navigator world wide web browser, a complete archive of Netscape Navigator help files, and a perfect digital archive of the Netscape Navigator web site.
Why have a 26-volume set of encyclopedias when you could have 26 CD-ROMs? To look up giraffes you simply pop in the correct disc, click through the menu to the giraffe entry, then marvel at the fully interactive result. From the comfort of your computer chair you can read the text and even click to play a three second long movie clip of a giraffe chewing a plant in stunningly cinematic 200x200 resolution.
For An Authentic CD-ROM Experience, Make Sure To Only Buy Products With The CD-ROM Logo
Here's A Blown Up Version Of The CD-ROM Logo For People Viewing This On High Resolution 1024x768 Displays
Secure As All Heck
You can't steal a laser. Many have tried, but you can't steal a laser. It moves too quickly. Even if you place your hand in its path, you can't grab it.
This means all the data on your CD-ROM discs can only be accessed by you. It's impossible for thieves to intercept. You can sleep soundly at night in your waterbed, secure in the knowledge that your secrets are held in place by a benevolent laser eye.
Join The Revolution
Now that you know where the future is going, it's time to join in! So where do you buy a CD-ROM drive?
Look for it in a mail-order ad in the back of your favorite computer magazine, after the ads for $3,000 computers but before the ad for porn games like Interactive Girlfriend and Silky Debutantes.
In the coming days Prombles will completely revolutionize the way we think about useless household devices. With less expensive alternatives like Amazon's Echo and Google Home already on the market, what can our smart speaker offer you, the customer?
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.