Unarius Academy of Science, submitted by Destroyer. My favorite thing about crazy new age religions and UFO cults is when they set themselves up to be proven idiotic and then it all comes together. The smart ones talk about some transcendant event vaguely, not giving it an exact date, while the REALLY smart ones give an exact date and then have all their members kill themselves so no one is around to be ashamed that they were wrong. The Unarius Academy of Science falls into the "fucking retarded" category of UFO craziness, which when you get right down to it is just like any of the other categories.
What is the exact date of the landing?
The following information was received during a clairvoyant or mental contact with the advanced, intelligent beings residing on the higher spiritual planes, who are overshadowing this momentous event, at the Academy's 18th Interplanetary Conclave of Light event on October 14, 2001.
Hold the presses, I don't even want to read your crazy moon message you shitheads. Let me guess "when the stars are right the planets will align and the moon aliens will come to earth". How many times have I heard that same thing? Every week I go out and wait in the woods next to my apartment hoping that the stars are right, but obviously my idea of the stars being right does not correspond with what the moon aliens think. They are goddamn divas. Aren't there any cooler aliens? Oh wait, yes, the martians, of course!
Martians are much older in soul-evolution than the earthians. They originally migrated in spacecraft to Mars from a dying planet more than a million years ago. They also came to this earth and started a colony but found it impractical to maintain. It was also explained by Nur El, their planet leader, that this colony became our Chinese race through the evolution of time.
Ahahaha fucking Chinese! I knew it! The red planet, red China, it all makes sense now. So if you take into account the atrocities committed on the Chinese by the Japanese during the Second World War, then Imperial Japan must have been like the mid-20th century version of the Men In Black. Thank you Unarius Academy of Science, for providing me with a clear reason to distrust asians.
Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
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