• Aquarium of "live lobsters" actually a rear projection television displaying looping footage from Discovery Channel's "Lobster's Marathon" program on VHS.
  • Used hypodermic needles should not be considered a condiment.
  • Gravy recipe requires "industrial grade epoxies."
  • Repeated customer complaints of "excessive witchcraft" present during take-out orders.
  • Explosives located within an "unsafe" distance of oven (inside it).
  • Owner seen cutting children's hair, shaving, and bathing in kitchen.
  • Tub of mashed potatoes analyzed and discovered to be combination of flour, starch, salt, and previously undiscovered man-made element which seems to defy all known properties of physics.
  • Grandfather's cremated ashes improperly labeled as "chicken."
  • Nine (9) freely roaming dogs discovered in the women's restroom.
  • Twelve (12) chained dogs discovered in the men's restroom.
  • Zero (0) dogs discovered in the Leonardo's FunTyme Fried Chicken Playground N' Upscale Italian Bistro Dog Rodeo.
  • Refrigeration units fail to achieve an internal temperature below 96 degrees.
  • Broken chair improperly labeled as "chicken."
  • Brief ape spotting.
  • Chef failed to wash hands after using restroom, changing the oil on his 1997 Buick, wrestling with a large wad of uncooked pork, and sleeping for six days.
  • Chef spit into soup. When encountered, he claimed it was "the special ingredient." Same chef seen urinating into soup. When encountered, he claimed it was "the rest of the ingredients."
  • Improper storage of ghosts.
  • Chicken stored inside Home Depot paint buckets outside a nearby alleyway. Owner claimed this did not violate health code standards "during the winter."
  • Over 12 pounds of pure, uncut cocaine discovered in children's ball pit.
  • No balls discovered in children's ball pit.
  • No pit discovered in children's ball pit.
  • Fire escape sign located over a small hole in the wall apparently created when the owner drank two gallons of malt liquor from a Home Depot model toilet and punched the wall with his face until they both broke. Additionally, a sign declaring the hole to be "PUSSY'S WAY OUT" negates any potential benefits.
  • Activating or standing within a 12-foot radius of the jukebox machine causes user to get herpes.
  • Salad bar tested for highly abnormal amounts of radioactivity.
  • Salad bar inspected and revealed to not actually contain salad, but instead an "endless pit probably leading to the center of the earth."
  • Salad bar has previously been cited as "abnormally dangerous" by HAZMAT teams and assorted Catholic priests.
  • Salad bar actually a vortex into the netherworlds, populated by the infernal screaming souls of the damned.
  • Salad bar improperly labeled as "chicken."
  • Completely exposed corpses seen sitting in booth by window. Owner claims they are for "decoration" and "ambience."
  • Chefs encouraged to wrestle during food preparation.
  • During peak business hours, hostess seen escorting guests out of the restaurant and into oncoming traffic.
  • Large neon sign outside restaurant inaccurately claims "IF YOU EAT HERE, WE'LL GIVE YOU $1000." Owner claims sign is an "inside joke that's really funny but it would take a long time for me to explain to you."
  • Children's "playground" consists of several abandoned vehicles that were lit on fire for insurance claims and then chained together with barbed wire.
  • Sign claiming "anything you bring into this restaurant is legally ours forever" is not an enforceable nor legal store policy.
  • Various weeds and saplings spotted growing out of the floor tiles. Owner claims this is acceptable because "they're not poison ivy or anything." Tests have revealed they are poison ivy.
  • Restaurant's policies on mummies are unclear at best.
  • Customers attempting to pay with credit cards have reported "erroneous" billing errors several thousand dollars greater than the amount. Owner has claimed discrepancies as "convenience charges."
  • Hardcore sex scenes involving up to 58 people reportedly filmed in kitchen during business hours, violating the room's maximum occupancy of 20 people.
  • Hardcore sex scenes involving up to 58 people improperly labeled as "chicken."

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@lowtax)

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    TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851



    Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.

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