Aquarium of "live lobsters" actually a rear projection television displaying looping footage from Discovery Channel's "Lobster's Marathon" program on VHS.
Used hypodermic needles should not be considered a condiment.
Gravy recipe requires "industrial grade epoxies."
Repeated customer complaints of "excessive witchcraft" present during take-out orders.
Explosives located within an "unsafe" distance of oven (inside it).
Owner seen cutting children's hair, shaving, and bathing in kitchen.
Tub of mashed potatoes analyzed and discovered to be combination of flour, starch, salt, and previously undiscovered man-made element which seems to defy all known properties of physics.
Grandfather's cremated ashes improperly labeled as "chicken."
Nine (9) freely roaming dogs discovered in the women's restroom.
Twelve (12) chained dogs discovered in the men's restroom.
Zero (0) dogs discovered in the Leonardo's FunTyme Fried Chicken Playground N' Upscale Italian Bistro Dog Rodeo.
Refrigeration units fail to achieve an internal temperature below 96 degrees.
Broken chair improperly labeled as "chicken."
Brief ape spotting.
Chef failed to wash hands after using restroom, changing the oil on his 1997 Buick, wrestling with a large wad of uncooked pork, and sleeping for six days.
Chef spit into soup. When encountered, he claimed it was "the special ingredient." Same chef seen urinating into soup. When encountered, he claimed it was "the rest of the ingredients."
Improper storage of ghosts.
Chicken stored inside Home Depot paint buckets outside a nearby alleyway. Owner claimed this did not violate health code standards "during the winter."
Over 12 pounds of pure, uncut cocaine discovered in children's ball pit.
No balls discovered in children's ball pit.
No pit discovered in children's ball pit.
Fire escape sign located over a small hole in the wall apparently created when the owner drank two gallons of malt liquor from a Home Depot model toilet and punched the wall with his face until they both broke. Additionally, a sign declaring the hole to be "PUSSY'S WAY OUT" negates any potential benefits.
Activating or standing within a 12-foot radius of the jukebox machine causes user to get herpes.
Salad bar tested for highly abnormal amounts of radioactivity.
Salad bar inspected and revealed to not actually contain salad, but instead an "endless pit probably leading to the center of the earth."
Salad bar has previously been cited as "abnormally dangerous" by HAZMAT teams and assorted Catholic priests.
Salad bar actually a vortex into the netherworlds, populated by the infernal screaming souls of the damned.
Salad bar improperly labeled as "chicken."
Completely exposed corpses seen sitting in booth by window. Owner claims they are for "decoration" and "ambience."
Chefs encouraged to wrestle during food preparation.
During peak business hours, hostess seen escorting guests out of the restaurant and into oncoming traffic.
Large neon sign outside restaurant inaccurately claims "IF YOU EAT HERE, WE'LL GIVE YOU $1000." Owner claims sign is an "inside joke that's really funny but it would take a long time for me to explain to you."
Children's "playground" consists of several abandoned vehicles that were lit on fire for insurance claims and then chained together with barbed wire.
Sign claiming "anything you bring into this restaurant is legally ours forever" is not an enforceable nor legal store policy.
Various weeds and saplings spotted growing out of the floor tiles. Owner claims this is acceptable because "they're not poison ivy or anything." Tests have revealed they are poison ivy.
Restaurant's policies on mummies are unclear at best.
Customers attempting to pay with credit cards have reported "erroneous" billing errors several thousand dollars greater than the amount. Owner has claimed discrepancies as "convenience charges."
Hardcore sex scenes involving up to 58 people reportedly filmed in kitchen during business hours, violating the room's maximum occupancy of 20 people.
Hardcore sex scenes involving up to 58 people improperly labeled as "chicken."
"Your left eye," the optometrist casually explained while blasting my face with a blue laser at point blank range, "is farsighted and shaped like an eyeball. The other eye is nearsighted and shaped like a football. Not even a good football."