It's tough to break into the comic-writing business, especially if you're like me: a young Batman fan who has never read a single Batman comic in his life. Since Marvel Comics returns all my letters, claiming they don't even do Batman comics-- how stupid do they think I am?-- so my last resort is to publish my awesome story ideas here and hope someone in the industry takes notice.
Half the Bat
The Joker uses a toxic gas to shrink Batman to two-thirds his normal size. The tiny Batman must then fight The Joker's menagerie of insects... but Batman is still more than large enough to hold the advantage!
Day of the Batman
Alfred forgets Batman's birthday, and the Dark Knight becomes sullen and loses his interest in fighting crime. The streets of Gotham are overrun with thugs... and only the perfect cake can put Batman right again!
Three Capes to the Wind
Bruce Wayne has a few too many bottles of champagne at a soiree... and then The Joker's henchmen invade the party! Can a blacked-out Batman prevail?
Batman catches Robin experimenting with a dangerous street drug... none other than Venom, the super-steroid that gives Bane his immense strength! Batman must reconcile his moral opposition to drugs with Robin's greatly enhanced crime-stopping abilities.
Too Many Batmans
When Batman is hit with a cloning ray, nine identical Batmans are produced. This leads to a shortage of Batmobiles, additional administrative difficulties, etc.
The Naked Bat
When Batman forgets to put on the Batsuit before taking the Batmobile out for a spin, his identity is nearly compromised... and a worried Gotham reviles Bruce Wayne for taking the 'mobile for a nude joyride! Can the city's beloved industrialist win back the people's trust as his stock plummets in scandal?
The Daily News
Two Face intimidates the staff of the Gotham Gazette into printing a special Batman-only edition of the paper that claims that crime has officially ended. Batman believes that the city has been made safe, and announces his retirement. Can Batman be convinced that the city still needs him?
Robin decides to start a rock and roll "beat combo" with the most dangerous bassist in Gotham: Two Face! Can art flourish on opposite sides of the law? Batman doesn't think so, and he suffers considerable consternation.
The City of Gotham annexes the land just outside Wayne Manor for a new minimum-security wing of Arkham Asylum, built to house "reformed" lunatics! Now, the Batcave's tunnels open right into the cells of madmen. Can Bruce Wayne lobby to close the asylum while alter-ego Batman is busy beating up the mentally ill?
To stop a serial killer that's preying on Gotham's gay leather underworld, Batman must go undercover in the world of S&M, poppers and anonymous sexual encounters. How deep will the Dark Knight penetrate to catch a killer?
A Party To Die For
Batman throws a lavish birthday party for Robin, but he makes a fatal mistake: the "clown" he hires to amuse his young ward is none other than Gotham's most notorious jokester: Mr. Freeze!
The Name of the Knight
The Joker discovers Batman's secret identity by following his car to Wayne Manor. When Joker reveals it to the whole city, Batman must go around and punch every Gotham citizen in the head until they forget (four-parter).
Who's the Boss
Alfred's old army buddies are coming to town, and the humble coot is determined to impress them, so he makes Bruce Wayne pose as his butler! He reluctantly agrees, but the comical ruse turns dangerous when Bruce is indisposed serving brandy to the guests... and Alfred must don the Batsuit to stop a bank robbery!
Tender is the Knight
After a run-in with Poison Ivy leaves Batman and Robin with painful rashes, the duo must retire to the Batcave for a weeklong mutual ointment-rubbing regimen. Can they retain their sanity and masculinity in the face of oily nude massage?
Dead Man's Curve
Batman gets caught up in the deadly world of high school drag racing. Now, he must tune up the Batmobile for the most dangerous race of his life... against Robin!
Batman thinks he's invented the perfect Bat-Gadget: a computer-controlled Baterang that can thump crimedoers in the head with the press of a button! Batman spends weeks sitting in the Batcave stopping crimes from afar, but his sedentary lifestyle makes him soft and chubby. When Joker invents a special helmet that prevents him from getting bopped in the head, Batman must squeeze into his tiny suit and huff and puff into the fray!
Off the Tracks
Robin builds a perfect miniature replica of Gotham City to accompany his new model train set, but his efforts are put in jeopardy when Clayface hatches a plot to cause a devastating miniature trainwreck.
A Dark Christmas
Batman is chosen to light Gotham's famous Christmas tree... but The Joker sabotages the affair, leaving the tree burnt down and Santa Claus dead! The public blames Batman for ruining Christmas... can he deliver presents to all the city's children before they cry themselves to sleep?
The Big Glitch
The Batcomputer gets a virus and becomes confused about what constitutes a crime. Batman, following the system's lead, begins beating up citizens for driving on roads and withdrawing money from the bank. Will Batman detect the glitch before the errors cause damage to his reputation?
When the Waynecorp board votes to strip Bruce Wayne of his salary, Batman must find an alternate source of funding. He agrees to appear on an all-access reality TV show about his crime-fighting adventures... but The Joker takes over in the editing room and cuts it to make Batman look like an asshole!
If you're a comic book industry type, please email me to work out money and stuff. If you're a comic fan, let me know if you see any of these stories in print without my named attached-- so help me, I'll sue the pants off Marvel. Special thanks to Josh Boruff for contributing several ideas.
Did Louis C.K. jerk off in front of two female comics? And why are these ladies squandering an opportunity to learn from a comedy legend?
Elliot said my breakup must have been due to the sweater curse, an unexplained phenomenon where anyone who gives their significant other a hand-knit sweater gets dumped. The only way to break the curse, Elliot said, was to destroy the sweater.
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