The facts couldn't be any more obvious. Shaggy Butte, a town with a rich history and proud population of working-class citizens, is under siege. Our town faces a threat unlike any other: Thousands of feral dogs, some rabid, roaming the streets. That's why I am running for the office of Dog Catcher. I vow to clean up the canine menace and restore dignity to this town, so that our children and seniors can frolic free, without fear of being bitten or urinated upon by untrained mutts.
I know from firsthand experience that being victimized by dogs is no fun. The loss of dignity can be overwhelming, and the physical and emotional recovery can take months if not years. I've seen families torn apart as loved ones struggle to cope and make sense of a world in which their attackers are treasured and pampered by society. The simple truth is dogs lack the empathy necessary to understand the consequences of their crimes, and many simply enjoy inflicting misery on innocent people. Make no mistake, even the smallest and most gentle looking dogs are capable of violating our laws.
As your Dog Catcher, you can trust that I will deliver on the following campaign promises:
- I won't kowtow to Shaggy Butte's canine apologists who put dogs ahead of people.
- No feral and unleashed dog will escape my net. I have the biggest nets available, and I made them myself so you won't have to pay a cent to reap the benefits.
- I will speak at schools and churches, educating children and community alike on the importance of properly containerizing dogs.
- Loudmouth dogs keeping you up at night? Report them to me and I'll have them impounded and their owners fined.
- My administration will dismantle city dog parks and replace them with pits, eliminating dog rallying spots while paying tateful tribute to Shaggy Butte's rich history of open-pit strip mining.
- I will make it illegal for groups of dogs to assemble in public. Two or more dogs together is a sure sign that trouble is brewing.
- The free ride for so-called "working dogs" must end. There are honest Americans in need of work perfectly capable of leading the blind, sniffing out drugs and dangerous chemicals, and biting fleeing criminals in the crotch.
- I am not afraid to use enhanced interrogation methods on dogs. I will waterboard unruly dogs if it means obtaining vital intelligence and keeping our streets safe.
- Through years of practice, I have learned to read and understand the complex language of dog urine. I will ensure no dog claims ownership of public or private property without a legitimate legal claim to do so.
- Want to take your dog out for a walk? You better bring its papers along. Dogs without proper documentation will be impounded, and owners will face stiff fines.
- I will toughen leash laws. When I'm elected, leashes must not exceed two feet in length and must be made out of heavy-duty metal that cannot be chewed through. I'm not afraid to put them to the test, either.
- I will require that all dogs have not just an electronic ID, but an electronic kill switch installed.
- Dogs defecating in public is no laughing matter. If it's illegal for me to do my business outside in full view of the public -- and I know this from experience -- it should also be illegal for dogs. Laws should be fair and not favor lesser species.
- I will build a database of the worst dogs in town, and personally hunt each and every one of them down. I pledge to follow the most dangerous dogs to the gates of Hell, and lock those gates behind them.
- I will work tirelessly to destroy the centuries-old stigma associated with eating dog meat.
It's time we, the people of Shaggy Butte, take a stand. When you vote for me, you vote to restore the sanctity of man, and put dogs back in their place.
Paid for by Friends of William Bruggard, Inc.
This is not my jury summons!
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