To: All Staff
Re: Labor Day is Cancelled
Excited for football season?
Okay, enough small talk. Labor Day is cancelled. All employees are to come to work on Monday at usual times. Please understand that this was not a spur of the moment decision. Throughout the entire weekend we discussed other options as we toured the coast on a humorously large yacht with Ulga, our favorite Ukranian escort. Ultimately, as the sun rose over the Atlantic Ocean and we drunkenly hunted for our silken undergarments, we decided that this was the best option for the corporation.
We understand that many of you had plans that involved families and hotdogs. Remember that we all have to make sacrifices at times like this. Remember when we had to stop giving Holiday Bonuses? It hurts us all, but we have no other choice. What with the economy being this bad, you know how it is. People get fired, you pick up the slack. Taxes, investments, other stuff. Very complex, this bad economy. But you don't need to worry. We'll do that for you. You just have to come in on Monday ready to work!
Before you complain about the loss of Labor Day, please ask yourself one question: Why should labor get a special holiday anyway? We don't get a Boss Day! We don't not get to travel to Singapore monthly. No one ever knocks on our Audi window or interrupts our tennis games saying, "Hey Dudes! You work so hard so chill for a day!" That has literally never happened to any of us! Ever! The work we do, like our salaries, is probably fifteen times what you do, and yet, no special Boss Day. Doesn't that seem a bit one-sided? You already have two days every week that you are not working, so why would you get another? If we're working, shouldn't you be working? It's only fair.
Not only are we supporting equality, we've also completely rebranded Labor Day to fit the modern world. Do you really want to celebrate your "career" with sloth and yard games like "corn-hole" or "fris-bee?" Of course not. Honor your labor with what you do best: Labor! We'll be giving each department a wide variety of tasks and audits to perform and whoever accomplishes more work during the day gets a complimentary totebag! If you see a worker not giving 100%, share your observations with administration @LaborDay for a chance to win a $10 gift certificate to Bed Bath and Beyond!
We are empathetic of your situation. Human Resources told us to say that. We are also excited to give out these totebags. According to Ulga, they're really nice!
Have we mentioned the economy and how bad it is?
The best employees will enjoy the opportunity to help the corporation family, but some of you might feel frustration and have some questions. At times like this, it's important to remember the roles of a company of this size and not ask your questions. Understand that the decisions we make are best for the corporation and therefor you. It's trickle-down empathy and it is a proven thing.
As I worker you also must realize that this is, ultimately, your fault. Health Insurance! Pregnancy Leaves! Retirement! And now you want a day off to celebrate your hard "labor"? We put a roof over your cubicle and yet you take and take and take. And now you are going to complain that we ask you to work one extra day in the year? Once Romney comes in and fixes this country, you'll realize just how nice you had it.
Of course this means the company picnic is also cancelled. If you have already prepared a side item, feel free to share it with nearby cubicle neighbors. Please notice that given such short notice, we were unable to return the Veggie Burgers we planned to grill. As a cost saving measure, you will be assigned to three meatless patties to consume every hour. This is your first special task of our totally new Labor Day. Feel free to have a wild time bringing your own condiments! Ulga has been dipping them in a red wine reduction cooked up by our personal chef. You might prefer a creamy ranch.
Thank you and see you all in a few hours!
- The Administration
Donald Trump is drafting friends, relatives, and even enemies into his fantasy cabinet.
This Halloween, the most terrifying house for policemen is opening its doors. If you're a cop, get ready to have nightmares!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.