Chili's Grill & Bar is about establishing a familiar and pleasant place for communities small and large to gather and enjoy good eats. We don't see any reason why we should allow thermonuclear apocalypse to disrupt this function.
This study was undertaken in the winter of 2009/2010 and was intended to assess the preparedness of Chili's franchises to remain operational in the event of a large scale nuclear attack on the United States. Based on this assessment we have developed recommendations to ensure the continuity of fajitas in the event of such an attack.
There are currently 1,422 operational Chili's restaurants servicing the Continental United States. None of these facilities are hardened against direct or indirect nuclear attack, none of these facilities draw water from sheltered reservoirs, none of these facilities are equipped with air scrubbers, none of these facilities are equipped with radiation decontamination showers, and none of these facilities have the capability to remain isolated from the supply chain for more than 48 hours.
In the event of a massive attack the majority of Chili's franchises are operated within the fallout zones projected by most experts.
Out of 1,422 restaurants only 78 maintain firearms. 218 restaurants employ one or more staff members with military or disaster-preparedness training. Only 8 restaurants employ one or more experienced human slave trappers.
Chili's maintains 11 distribution centers and contracts supplies from 17 third-party corporations. Fresh produce is acquired on the restaurant supply market and is subject to regional availability. Pre-pack meals are semi-perishable and rely on the heavy use of refrigeration. Shelf-stable goods are barely used and long-term supply planning is almost nonexistent.
Distribution centers are just as vulnerable to attack as the individual restaurants and no measures have been undertaken to ensure the continuity of supply in the event of a nuclear strike.
Chili's must not fail when tested. As the irradiated survivors stagger from their shelters and look up at the red skies we cannot fail to provide them with our Jalapeno Smokehouse Bacon Burger. The needs of a nation on the brink of dissolution will be the patriotic duty of all Chili's employees.
Points of Maximum Vulnerability
Distribution Exposure - Distribution centers are located within attack zones and fallout zones. If these facilities are neutralized in first and second wave strikes or time on target MIRV attacks the entire network of Chili's restaurants will collapse. An excellent example of this extreme exposure to attack can be found in our Grand Forks Salsa Depot.
As you can see from the FEMA projection the Grand Forks depot is located within what is called a "dense pack zone." In these areas large numbers of launch silos are arrayed to increase the odds of survivability in successive attacks by creating an airborne debris shield. Because our distribution center is not hardened in any way it is essentially vulnerable to dozens of separate nuclear attacks. A single airburst will destroy this facility.
Supply Chain Exposure - Chili's is heavily reliant upon the Interstate system and third party trucking firms to maintain operational supply levels. As referenced, no facility maintains stock for over 48 hours on ALL menu items. In the event on an atomic detonation most trucks will be made neutralized by electromagnetic pulse. Those with Faraday cages or mechanical operation might remain operational, but they are undefended and will be easy prey for the roaming gangs of looters that will inevitably appear in the aftermath of such a large scale catastrophe. Fuel will also be a serious concern. Enterprising truckers may be able to trade or loot fuel for their truck, but this will soon be exhausted and any deliveries may be a one-time arrival.
Franchise Exposure - Few Chili's franchises are defended in any way against the orgy of looting that will inevitably follow a large scale nuclear attack. Franchises have limited esprit de corps, and in the event of an attack surviving employees would fail to show up at work during their next scheduled shift. Even utilizing slave labor would only last as long as food (or corpses to be cannibalized) is available to your slave pool. Then, of course, there is the matter of slave uprisings. Without weapons and trained slave tamers most restaurants would face slave revolt as food supplies dwindled.
Beware Panera - Restaurants sharing a plaza with a Panera Bread must be surrendered immediately to avoid direct conflict with Panerians. Their crazed bread hands and Panini maneuvers will make short work of even armed Chili's staffers. Better to let them have our facilities and return when they have inevitably turned on one another in a fight for Panera dominance.
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Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
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