Your professors don't care about your time. They don't care that writing essays interfere with your Madden07 season or your regimented beer-pong practice schedule before the tournament. Hell, most professors don't even care about the quality of your paper. No, they only care about the bottom line, length.

Midterms are coming up for most universities. Since my school has a bizarre schedule, I'm already on spring break. I know you're jealous, but I'm here to help you. Writing essays is 10% learning the information, 90% learning the system.

Writing a ten-page paper can be difficult, but by following these steps you can write at least fifteen with minimal effort. We all know the common changes like larger margins and periods, but here are a few tricks that are about to revolutionize the field.

This is a sample essay with the most important features pointed out.

* Some of the best Novel-it-up Techniques include:

  • Strong Character Voice (Shown Above)
  • Intricate Detail Regarding Setting
  • Flashbacks
  • Chapters

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.

  • Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.