- Shower pressure is pretty good most of the time, but when your roomie flushes the toilet it gets a little drizzly. There's only one bathroom, so we have sort of an "open bathroom" arrangement. I took the liberty of removing the lock from the door, so you don't have to "hold it in" while I'm taking a shower (I take long showers, 2+ hours). I'm totally comfortable with my body and yours, so if we both need to pee at the same time, we can totally "play swords" LOL!- This household is 420 friendly. I take marijuana to help with my night terrors, so I'm totally fine if you're also a medical user with a valid "weed card." As the leaseholder, it's my job to make sure your weed card checks out, so if I think you're doing pot for fun & games, the police will definitely be involved :)- Overnight guests are totally fine! If you've got a friend sleeping on the couch for more than three days, please let me know in advance. My rockabilly jailbird brother, Heck, sometimes crashes for a week or two when he gets out of his latest stint. Don't worry, he's not scary!- Bifrons & Orobas are the SWEETEST pugs ever, but they have some quirks! They used to belong to a really intense lady who kept a man as some kind of gimp slave (soooo San Francisco, am I right?), so they're "mouth trained." This means that when they need to potty, they'll want to do it in your mouth if they perceive you as a gimp! They're mostly broken of the habit, but if we forget to take them on walkies sometimes they'll get up on the bed and do a little pee in your mouth. Wearing a sleep mask is not recommended because they'll def. think you're a gimp.- I love cooking, and I hope you do too! Just remember to bring absolutely no gluten into the house. I'm actually cutting out all starches entirely, so please no grains, beans, starches, complex carbs or anything that contains them. I know TONS of great alternatives, and I always have plenty of artificial rice, sulfur potatoes and denatured pasta in the cupboards.- Speaking of food: I'm just WILD about making my own kimchi! I use an open-jar fermentation process, so be careful not to tip over the jars that I leave all over the house, because the fish sauce smell gets into the carpets and rots. I'm used to it by now but you might not be (one time the neighbors called the cops because they thought someone died, LOL).- I love music! My brother Heck got me some really big speakers, so we can have totally loud dance parties on weekends. I'm very open-minded about music. I love all the billies: rockabilly, Billy Joel, Billy Squier and Billy Corgan (solo album only). Please no rap.- Oh, that reminds me: Heck's got a really fantastic rockabilly beat combo called Heck Boruff & The Soupyard Boys. They sometimes practice in the living room, so it's a super fun bonus. Lots of times they keep rocking pretty late, like until 7 or 8 in the morning. Heck's buddies aren't big sleepers! They're really nice guys, but probably don't leave your laptop or medical marijuana lying around while they're in the house.- The living room is a great place for fun activities, when the Soupyard Boys aren't taking it up with their amps. If you have a book club, feel free to host! I have a social justice meetup for all my Tumblr friends every week. Our home is a safe space for everyone. That means no hate speech, even if you're "joking." Hate speech includes all gendered slurs like "cr*zy" and "pr*gnant," plus presumptuous or casual use of gendered pronouns. The last one is no big deal, cause we're all working on it, but if you slip up you'll have to put a quarter in the gendered pronoun jar :) Don't miss our fun weekly privilege audits!- Bifrons & Orobas do NOT respond well to kinkshaming! If they make a potty in your mouth, calmly lift them off your face and say "the worm-slut doesn't deserve any more hot piss." LOL weird I know, but that's how their previous owner trained them. Their kinks are part of them; check your privilege.- It's great when roomies share the household duties, and sometimes that includes walkies for Bifrons & Orobas. Check the map on the wall for a good walking route that doesn't go close to any schools, because technically they're registered sex offenders.- If Heck comes into your room at night with a blank look in his eyes, just let him do what he's going to do. He has what they call "walking night terrors," and if you confront him he'll feel like he's in danger, and he ALWAYS sleeps with a knife in his hand. He never does anything bad, he just wants to root around in your room, cuddle a little, or maybe just go to the bathroom. It's a good idea to leave some newspapers in the corner.- Night terrors run in the family, I guess! I control mine with medical marijuana, but if I don't get enough, I will probably be 100% full-throat screaming for the entire night. Don't bother waking me up, it'll just make it worse! Might want to get some earplugs for the bad nights.- Bifrons & Orobas are a little weird about boys, because their old gimp was a boy. The lady that owned them was really into ball torture, and their old habits die hard. If someone says the word "GO!" really loud, they'll probably run up and try to torture your balls, because that was their old command word. You might want to not say "go" altogether, because honestly it doesn't have to be all that loud. Avoid TV shows that might say the word "go."- As a journalist (blogger), I'm on a constant and dogged search for the truth. Sometimes your room , computer & personal items will come within the compass of this search for truth. It's fine to have secrets, but it's not OK to have secrets from your roomie!- It's no big deal, but I was raised in a pretty small yoga/pagan religious tradition called "body wicca," and I like to observe some of the rituals just to feed my spiritual side. I'm not nutty about it, but I during the month of June I like to remain skyclad and insert a lot of things into my sacred yoni. Many times I will honor your possessions by putting them in my body for a few hours until they are blessed with my essence. If you identify as a girl, feel free to join me in this tradition. If you are a man, I would be happy to help you insert objects into your sacred lingam eye chakra (urethra). Don't worry, no weird sex stuff.- One more thing about my little sweetie pies: if you get a cut, it's better to leave the house for a couple days. After their last owner and her gimp slave died somehow, Bifrons & Orobas ran out of food and had to eat them. They go a little nutty when they smell blood, and they will go STRAIGHT for your eyes & genitals.- Super cool bonus: I am not a bragger or a name-dropper, but I'm pretty good friends with Joanna Newsom, and she comes over before tours and does vocal warmups for a few weeks sometimes.
What if you were a cop and the Skittle was mentally disturbed and wanted to be eaten?
DOPPELGANGER NEEDED - To minimize stress to my dog, I'm looking for somebody who is identical to me to take over ownership. Must also be able to fool my wife. Call to set up interview. 555-8252
I'll never forgive these giant alien insects! I'm trying!
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