Thanks to Deep Space Hitler for coming up with the concept, and to FYAD for all the posts that weren't written by Jedidah "Jed" Kirchner, and to Jedidiah "Jed" Kirchner for the posts that were written by Jedidiah "Jed" Kirchner, and finally to William "ryorininseven" Cook for illustrating some of the scenarios!
Deep Space Hitler
Go into a Subway and tell the clerk you want to order the sandwich they'd always wished a customer would order. They will quickly, quietly, and without expression, craft the sandwich from many different ingredients. The sandwich will be the best thing you've ver tasted. This only works once per clerk. If you ask them to make it again, they will not recollect how. If you attempt to re-construct it, it will fail.
Malformed Dance Hut
but won't the sandwich be expensive because he wants to make as much money as he can OP
when you buy things at a store, the person who you hand your money to often doesn't get to keep the money.
Once I told the clerk I'd never had a sub before so he made me a free one out of pity. While eating it I said awkward things like "wow, I can't believe I'm having a sub" and "wow, my hands are really touching the bread" that made him tell me to stop talking. But I was drunk at the time and my emotions were running high so I was like shut the fuck up, I've had a shitty life, 29 subless years, so excuse me if I'm ruining the fucking mood. He didn't say anything after that and it was really uncomfortable the rest of the time. I thought of leaving some money in the tip jar on my way out but that just seemed wrong somehow.
id go to the store and ask him for the WORST sandwich he could think of hahahah and then id throw it in the garbage once he gave it to me and we would both laugh really hard
One time I told the clerk a story about how I met my girlfriend at Subway and how I love her and wake up next to her every morning knowing that my physical and emotional needs are being met. I asked him how much I owed him and he said we'd already made our transaction: one sub for one story. I said yeah but the story isn't true and sulked out of the sub store.
if you try and order chinese food at subway they show you the secret back room thats hidden in the back of all subway franchises and you get to play unlimited old school arcade games and watch classic nostalgia vhs tapes that subway has been hoarding from the lo fi music community
Pozzed Up Maltag
Every subway has a secret door at the front that leads to all the other restaurants
One time while eating subs at Subway I told a girl how sad and alone I am and she started sniffling, like the door I'd opened into my dark soul had made her cry. I thought this would be a good time to ask her out, but then I realized she might've just been allergic to something in my Italian herbs and cheese bread. I asked the Subway artist what was in the bread and he said it was against the Subway rules to disclose bread recipes. I asked him if the "rules" said anything about ruining a person's only chance at true love. He said he'd have to ask his manager, but I could see it was only the two of them in the store and they were wicked busy so I was like forget it.
the clerk asked me what kind of cheese and i said "monkey cheese!!" and laughed for ten minutes. people got mad because i was holding up the line just laughing, but the clerk didnt want to break protocol and tell me to stop. eventually i asked for provolone.
"the greatest trick the devil ever played was making the veggie patty sub with bacon at subway, and making it really good." Now that's a tip we can use, animal drums! Thanks to Subway for sponsoring the section this week!
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Cons: causes bad nightmares. I used to have to eat beef until I passed out to have these kind of terrors, but this machine does it for me every time I fall asleep inside it.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.