INT. BEACHSIDE APARTMENT - DAWN
BANNON stands before the corpse of a high-powered attorney slowly swaying from a noose. Scratching the uneven stubble on his chin, the snarky rogue cop looks as miserable as always. Turning his head toward the sound of approaching footsteps, he nods at the arrival of his PARTNERS.
'Bout time you showed up. I'm getting tired of doing all the work around here. At first glance our working stiff here appears to have hung himself, but it was only meant to look that way. Note the multiple chainsaw wounds.
Turning his attention back on the corpse, BANNON spots something protruding from the dead man's mouth. Fumbling in the pockets of his battered motorcycle jacket for a few moments, BANNON produces a pair of panties, shrugs comically, then uses them to remove the mysterious item without leaving fingerprints.
Well boys, looks like things just got personal.
We see the item removed from the man's mouth - a business card with the names of BANNON and his 179 PARTNERS.
Tagline: "He's One Degree From Ruin, But With 179 More He Might Just Turn Things Around"
EXT. ROOFTOP PARKING LOT - NIGHT
Well, that went nowhere fast. If we're going to get any information out of Jao-Lin's men, we're going to have to do things the old-fashioned way. The fun way.
BANNON and his PARTNERS reach the silver-and-white Shelby Cobra that is BANNON's pride and joy.
Tagline: "Partners In Crimefighting - One For Every Law In The Book"
INT. DOCK WAREHOUSE - RAINY DAY
Just when his PARTNERS handcuff a panting SULLIVAN, an unseen machine gun is cocked. Everything slows down.
BANNON takes three steps, then dives across all 179 of his PARTNERS as the gunman opens fire. For the next half minute, we see the slugs impact BANNON's chest, his PARTNERS recoiling as gristly chunks of gore and intestinal coils splatter their shocked faces. Miraculously, BANNON manages to catch every one of the 179 bullets intended for his PARTNERS.
Don't look so sad, guys. It's okay. I don't even feel... wait. Why don't I feel anything?
BANNON glances down at his chest quizzically. Thirty five of his PARTNERS pull his jacket aside - after fumbling around one another and slapping each other's hands away for several moments - to reveal BANNON's badge... with all 179 bullets harmlessly lodged in its surface.
Tagline: "With Friends Like These, Who Needs To Call For Backup?"
EXT. CALIFORNIA HIGHWAY - AFTERNOON
The Shelby Cobra is keeping speed with an 18-wheel truck towing an enormous tank of corrosive acid that has been modified with a firehose attached to a swiveling turret. PUNK operates the turret, laughing as he sprays highway signs and abandoned cars.
We need to overpower that guy somehow. Quick, you guys take the wheel and I'll get on the hood!
The car swerves for an instant as BANNON climbs out.
Tagline: "The Thin Blue Line Is There, You Just Can't See It With Them Standing On It"
EXT. SKYSCRAPER PENTHOUSE - MIDNIGHT
47 of the PARTNERS that were killed in the amusement park bomb scene are now GHOSTS, dangling over the side of the building from the shattered mess that was once the a full-length window.
BANNON strains with all his might as the 47 GHOSTS slowly lose their grip on his forearm.
Don't give up on me!
I'm getting too ethereal for this shit!
Tagline: "Bannon Doesn't Need A Whole Precinct To Take Down The World's Most Dangerous Psychopath - He Just Needs 179 Partners"
A documentary by Roger Nygard.
Republicans announce that all legislation must be voted on at 2am in a secret chamber, with no one but the lobbyists who write the bills seeing a single line of text. Democrats' Response: Stumbling around a field stepping on rakes, handles smashing them directly in their faces every single time.
There is a witch hunt going on right now and I promise you that you will not find any witches in the pleasure room in my congressional office.
For fans of meaningless awards, these awards are extra meaningless.
Buy three Epic Loot Crates for only $7.99, get a free fourth loot crate for only $2.99!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.